And Again

I am going to start writing again.  I am making myself write again.  Because I want to, and I love to, and I miss it.  I have a tendency in my life to give up on things when I start to lack confidence.  I question why I am doing it and then what is the purpose of it and then tell myself various reasons no one needs to hear what I am saying.  And then slowly but surely I come up with enough excuses that I quit.  I am not proud of this behavior, and it is something that needs to change.  I have reached my 40's and realized there are plenty of things I wish I had stuck with.  Dreams I wish I'd gone for.  Goals that were never achieved.  And most of the time it is because of my own lack of confidence.

I think this realization strikes me the most when we are talking together as a family and the girls begin pointing out each of our accomplishments, or interests.  Somehow when we get to Mom, they arent sure what to say.  "Dad makes art and videos!" "Lux loves to draw and write!" "Zaine is a gymnast and always full of energy."  "And mom....mom, what do you do? Mom is a mom and does mom things! She likes to go shopping! Oh, and she washes dishes! Mom likes to sit in her pj's and watch t.v.!" Hmm. While these statements are true (I do love me some comfy clothes and a good show;), I am not sure this is the only impression I want to leave on my children.  And Im not sure it is a full and clear reflection of who I am, truly.

Yes, I am (using Superhero announcer voice):
"Mom! Locator of all missing items, and finder of all that could not be found!"
"Mom! First responder to all crises, real and imagined!"
"Mom! Keeper of all important documents, dates, and appointments!"
"Mom! Vomit cleaner upper, medicine dispenser, and toilet bowl scrubber!"
"Mom!  Personal consultant for clothes, hair, and interior design!"

But I am also Mom, who loved dance and wishes she had made more time for it as the years went by. And Mom, who secretly dreams of playing an instrument like the piano, or guitar or ukelele, like the kids do.  And Mom, who would also like to learn to speak Spanish fluently! And Mom, who likes to make others smile and even laugh with crazy stories about her quirky family.

So I am going for it, once again.  Because Jon Acuff says I should.  And because my life is not over, not yet.  And because people like Jen Hatmaker inspire me with their own crazy stories.  And because life is too short to not go for it...again.