The Buffer Post

After my last post it is a bit difficult to decide what to write about next.  Nate suggested a "buffer post" to kinda segue to a lighter topic.  I liked the sound of it.  But I must admit I am not at all accustomed to using buffers.  In fact, Nate and I had a very buffer-less discussion tonight about my lack of buffering skills.  It seems at times I am not capable of being, as the dictionary defines it, "1. Something that lessens or absorbs the shock of an impact." Rather, I quite naturally deliver the full blow--with added gusto.  So, you can imagine my difficulty in finding an appropriate topic for my buffer post, being the not-so-buffered woman that I am.

Tonight's discussion with Nate centered around that fact that I was not able to contain my emotions/thoughts/feelings/hand gestures/bug-eyed-ness/forehead gripping/subtle coughs/huffs/head shakes/eye rolls (body language in general) at a time when he needed me to be the "peace" or "smoother-over" in the situation.  And he was perfectly right.  I seem to have absolutely no control over hiding my feelings.  I can hold my tongue and fight back words, but my body will find a way to manifest what I am thinking and feeling by whatever means are necessary.  I am entirely too transparent.

My problem lies in that when I mask or hide my emotions I literally feel like I am lying.  I feel as though I am pretending to be someone I am not.  It's as though I am being fake.  My mind cannot make sense of the false behavior I am exhibiting and I either escape the situation or slowly begin to dribble out my true feelings.  When witnessed by my closest friends there is no dribble. Instead they get what is often compared to a volcanic eruption of deep thoughts; a sort of messy spewing forth of feelings and emotions. Not in anger, but more as an unraveling of "truth ribbon" from it's neat and tidy spool into a pile on the floor.

I am not necessarily proud of this character trait.  I would much prefer to be the mysterious friend who cannot be read.  And I know others would probably prefer that as well.  But I do find one positive to being this way, and that is that I am real.  And also very animated.