I struggle with depression. There. I said it. I have tried for years to keep it hidden because I am embarrassed by it, so I joke about "needing my meds" or I pretend to be perfectly happy. But I think it is time to share what it is like for a Christian woman to battle this, because I dont think I am alone. It has been something I have been dealing with since my teenage years, and it wasnt until I had children in my 30s that I finally got help. I hope that in some way this will encourage others to get help, too. I still have low points, when I get stuck inside myself and have to make every effort to carry on even though the rain cloud surrounding me gets quite heavy. In those times it is really hard to believe the truths about God's love for me, and my family's love for me, and the need for me to be present here on earth. Satan gets that foothold and soon I am deep in the forest of lies. I struggle to keep my eyes on that ray of light piercing through the darkness, but it gets hard to see sometimes.
FORWARD. I have to keep moving FORWARD. I am here for a purpose. Even if that purpose is simply hugging my children today. They need their mother's hugs. They need their mother. And I am a fighter. I do not give up. I cannot dwell on the mistakes I make along the way. I must dwell on the blessings I have been given.
Trusting that I am loved is the hardest truth that I struggle with. Whether it be friends, family or God, I am never quite sure I sincerely believe it. I want to. I want to be loved. I want to be good enough. But what is that? At what point are we finally ok with God loving us....just because He is a loving God? How do I grasp that? How do I rest in it? I believe, Lord, help me with my unbelief.
There are people with much more difficult childhoods than mine. Yet I do believe that the abandonment I experienced, which affected how I see myself, combined with an hormonal imbalance diagnosed as PMDD, is at the root of it all. For years it was a cycle of "what is wrong with me?" and running from life, then feeling good again, then feeling guilty, then asking "what is wrong with me?" Finally I realized I could not make myself get better. And that it wasnt wrong to get help beyond prayer. For some reason it made me feel like I wasnt praying hard enough or trusting God enough because I would cycle back down. It took admitting I needed extra help to finally get me medication that has been life saving.
I have now been treating my depression for about 7 years, and they have been the best 7 years of my life. I still struggle with self esteem and self love, but I find that if I take the focus off of myself, and keep busy serving others, I can get past the doubts much quicker. God has given me an amazing husband, who has loved me through it all, and who checks in on me and lets me talk it out. He has promised never to leave me or forsake me, and has been the one person in my life to keep that promise. Because of his example I am learning to believe that the God of Heaven has an even greater love for me. And I am learning to trust that love and faithfulness are real words that can be mine. For if a human being really can love me and care for me in spite of who I am, then how much greater are the promises from my Father in Heaven, who does not grow weary, who knows my every thought, and who has made me His forever?
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