The Epic

Somehow Lux convinced us to celebrate her birthday at our home with 20+ kids, a few pizzas, and some snacks.  I am still trying to figure out when, exactly, we agreed to this.  Im pretty sure we started out with a firm "you're crazy," then after some negotiating on her part we moved to "let's talk about what this would entail." The next thing I knew I was surrounded by children bigger than me, some of whom I had never seen before in my life, half drunken soda cans everywhere, pizza crusts and candy wrappers proclaiming "it's all happening!" Oh, and did I mention we somehow agreed to making this a 4 hour event? No, I didnt, because frankly, what would that say about the parents of this tween?

The Epic Event actually began Wednesday, her "real" birthday.  Because when you are a Corrona, you celebrate the actual day you were born or the rest of the partying is in vain.  It means nothing. It is a wild lie.  And Lux is so much me, but so, so much Corrona, and celebrating means something.  It means fun, and happiness, and good times, and food, and recognition and memories. And I love this. I absolutely love this about my family, because it has made every special event that much more special and that much more of an event.  And the memories--such great memories--of hilarious moments, and lovely moments, and never-to-be-recreated-moments, are the highlights of my life! It is sooooo worth it! The problem is, I am not a natural born Corrona.  Dont get me wrong, I am a meaningful and important part of the family.  But this is all learned behavior for me.  It is not an innate part of my being.  It does not come naturally to me, although I have a very full and complete understanding of what must take place.  Those born "Corrona" have "The Epic" coursing thru their veins.  It is inbred.  They know how to throw a party.

So back to Wednesday.  I had used what little, left over party decor I had to decorate the front room.  Of course, she had already decorated her own room and door the night before because, well, she is a Corrona.  And she was preparing herself in case someone, i.e. me, did not plan for the day in a manner that fit with her expectations.  She even kindly wrote me a note and placed it on my pillow saying something to the effect of "Enjoy these last few minutes of me being 10. Tomorrow I will be 11!" And I appreciated the note because it did remind me to go add a few touches to what I had done.  She awakened to much singing and dancing and carrying on, had a brownie, and was off to school.

Thursday and Friday were those days in between the actual birthday and the big party that are used for continuing the celebration.  There was dinner out, and a special movie night...look, the girl was after whatever she could get on account of "it was her birthday." So by Friday night memories had been made, the house was clean, candies and sodas were purchased, kids were excited, and Nate and I were bracing for the storm. We likened it to preparing for a hurricane.  You get your supplies, block off certain parts of the house that are most precious, allow the strongest areas to take the most beating, hunker down on all fours, and hold on. And that is what we did.

In the end, the trampoline sustained the most damage, poor thing.  And the swing was broken. Zaine had had a meltdown midway thru and retreated to her bedroom, sobbing.  I said something like, "Zaine, we just have to get thru this," and she said, "I cant. I just cant." I think there was even a dramatic hanging of the head involved.  She emerged a half hour later to follow me around and point out the ever increasing destruction of the trampoline. (Poor Zaine, while so Corrona, is so so much me...)

But Lux, that beautiful girl, that girl with such a lust for life, embraced every moment of it to the fullest. She made it all she wanted it to be, pushing as closely as she could up to the edges of what we would allow.  And as crazy and chaotic and exhausting and ridiculous as it was, it was a party to remember. I am, and I am sure will forever be, inspired by that girl.

A few things I have learned while observing Lent, week 1

1. It's not just social media that I am "addicted" to, it is the use of technology.  I am learning that being on the computer in general has become a huge time filler in my life.  I seem to naturally go to the computer when I am feeling bored or need a break.  I think I checked news outlets and weather links 4-5 times each the first few days, just for something to look up!  A week in and I am beginning to use my time more wisely.

2. I am learning (again) that it is not about me.  A wise woman shared with a group of us how observing Lent is not about the giving up for Jesus, it is about recognizing His giving it all for us so that there is no more need for sacrifice.  I am learning to adjust my thinking.  The first day in I accidentally found myself at facebook (no really, it was an accident! I was following a link and suddenly I was there!) And what might have been a "what is wrong with me?" response in the past, became a "this is why I need you, Lord.  I cannot even keep 'the law' for one day in my own strength.  Thank you."  This is why I wanted to observe this season of Lent.  To refocus and see my life thru new eyes.

3. Life gets busier the more you want it to slow down.  In the midst of this first week, the week I had hoped to spend in prayer and conversation with the Lord, life got super busy.  One child was home for 2 days sick (this would be the child who loves constant companionship), we had a birthday on Wednesday and the epic party on Saturday, and a great visit with a beloved family member thru Sunday.  There simply wasn't a bit of "extra" time.  Life was crazy.  But in the midst of it all I was able to maintain a sense of peace.  I believe this was because my thoughts stayed on God.  It was by praying throughout the day in the little moments that I maintained that focus on Him.  I think we often forget that He is in it with us.  He is doing this life with us, always there.  And all of our moments matter to Him.

Lent

For the first time since I can remember, I have decided to participate in Lent.  I actually have had very little exposure to Lent and did not know much about it except that usually in the Spring, before Easter, on some Wednesday, I would see folks walking around with an ash print on their foreheads.  Once, in Whole Foods, I stopped a couple and asked what the ash was all about.  They explained to me that it was a way of remembering that we are dust, that we come from dust and will return to dust. And that we are created beings, created out of the dust by a Most High God.  I was fascinated by their explanation and the fact that I knew so little about this yearly event.

This year I decided to learn more about the season of Lent, these 40 days before Easter.  On a quick search of the web I found this simple explanation of the event: 

Lent is the Christian season of preparation before Easter. In Western Christianity, Ash Wednesday

marks the first day, or the start of the season of Lent, which begins 40 days prior to Easter

(Sundays are not included in the count).

Lent is a time when many Christians prepare for Easter by observing a period of fasting,repentance, moderation and spiritual discipline. The purpose is to set aside time for reflection onJesus Christ - his suffering and his sacrifice, his life, death, burial and resurrection.

Not all Christian churches observe Lent. Lent is mostly observed by the Lutheran, Methodist,Presbyterian and Anglican denominations, and also byRoman Catholics. Eastern Orthodox churches observe Lent or Great Lent, during the 6 weeks or 40 days preceding Palm Sunday with fasting continuing during the Holy Week of Orthodox Easter. Lent for Eastern Orthodox churches begins on Monday (called Clean Monday) and Ash Wednesday is not observed.

The Bible does not mention the custom of Lent, however, the practice of repentance and mourning in ashes is found in 2 Samuel 13:19; Esther 4:1; Job 2:8; Daniel 9:3; and Matthew 11:21.

After reading this, and a great devotion by Ann Voskamp regarding our inability to even maintain "the Law" on our own (read full text here here), I decided I needed to participate in Lent. 

Ann wrote speaking of her failure to even remember to keep her Lenten fast:

“But Lent is teaching me. I see how depraved I am. How incapable I am in the flesh, how in bondage I am. That I can’t keep any law perfectly. Worse… at times… I don’t even want to keep the law. Lent’s revealing my depravity, my impotence. The utter death of my flesh. I can do nothing. My Lent convicts: I am a lawbreaker. ”

She then concluded: "He will have to accomplish it all. I am ashes and I am dust and there is no good in me and I am in dire need and lent has given me clear eyes to see my sin and I am the one broken under all this skin. I can feel the grain of the tree under my fingertips. He is the one going to Calvary. I love Him because His love is the only thing that can save me. This wrestle has made me know it full well. A failing lent? It is a good Lent because this Lenten Lament of my sin — it is preparing me for the Easter Joy of my Savior."

I needed to be reminded of my need for a Savior.  I needed to see the depravity of my living in the flesh.  I needed to turn my eyes back to Jesus.  Not out of a legalistic keeping of a fast, but because I want to step back, and let Him lead again.  I want to bow down, and honor the One who has saved me.  I want to experience how weak I am in the flesh to be made aware of how great a need I have for a Savior. 

I waste so much time, daily, satisfying my own desires.  I spend too much time focused on the things of earth rather than things above.  And part of that stems from too much time on social media.  I am an addict, and I am embarrassed.  I tell myself I am only going to post this one funny story, or this one important message.  And that is not where the sin begins.  It creeps in when I check back the next 100 times to see who commented, what they said, what they think.  I waste time that should be spent with my family, and with God! I spend 10xs more of my day checking social media than I do with my LORD, in His Word, hearing from Him.  How embarrassing! And how humbling!  I am ashamed!

And that is when I look to the cross, and see Him there, willingly taking my sin, my selfishness, my shame, and dying in my place.  I am no longer ashamed, but I am grateful! I am thankful! I am forever His! He is worthy of my all! 

And that is why I participate in Lent this year. To remind myself of my depravity, and His sacrifice on my behalf.  And after 40 focused days of examining that relationship, I will celebrate His setting me forever free from my sin.  I will celebrate His righteousness cleansing me from all of my unrighteousness.  I will rejoice in all He has done for me.  For us.

The most wonderful time of the year.

The following took place Tuesday, December 10th in the home of Nathan and Kendra Corrona.  It was a stunning display of holiday cheer.

4:00pm Girls are home from school.  No homework. Everybody is excited about the prospects of the evening.

4:15pm Nate and I decide it is the perfect time to get the Christmas tree (he had been out of town so we had yet to purchase one and the pickings were getting slim.)  Children jump and shout at the news. There was even a squeal or two.  It was decided we would leave in 15 minutes.

4:20pm Nate and I begin rearranging the furniture to make room for the tree.  For 5 of the 6 years we have been in this house it has gone by the front window. This seems to be the best place for it again this year and so room is being made for the tree.  Cue Zaine.

4:25pm Zaine enters room and is instantly horrified about where we are putting the tree.  We cannot put the tree there.  Tears. She doesnt want the tree there. More tears. Doesn't her opinion matter? Cue sobs. Zaine throws herself dramatically on the couch, overcome by our lack of understanding.

4:27pm Zaine is sent to her room to gain some self control and perspective.  Sobs are heard coming from her bedroom along with a pretty impressive conversation with herself on how Christmas has been ruined. In the end she successfully convinces herself she is right, the placement of the tree has brought an end to all Christmas joy.  More sobs as she realizes it is all her parents' fault, and she is doomed to live at least 11 more years in a house with adults who havent a clue about the important things in life like the demands of a 7 year old.

4:35pm Cue Lux.  She decides this is the perfect time to discuss the most important thing on her 10 year old mind, the 5th grade chorus singing at the Gladiators hockey game. Discussion ends when she reaches the same conclusion as her sister, she is doomed to live at least 8 more years in a house with adults who have no idea what it is like to be a kid. All they care about is doing things together as a family.  Oh, and these same parents like her sister better than her, and she knows it.

Nate and I begin to wonder where we went wrong..

4:45pm Zaine's return.  She is no longer sobbing. She surveys the room and declares with a deep breath that she will be opening her Christmas presents elsewhere because it is physically impossible for her to be in the same room with the tree in that spot.  She loves us and wants to be with us, but we have made our decision and she sees it is useless to continue trying to convince us otherwise.  So with that, can she please have a snack?

5:00pm a disheveled, tear stained, mess of Corronas load into the van in an attempt to salvage what is left of the evening and get the stupid tree. Nate's joy is evident in his herky jerky driving and lack of ability to find a single station playing Christmas music, though he continues to try.  Lux is getting in the spirit by painting her nails and sulking, and I am fulfilling my duties as the backseat driver, offering Nate my opinions on the best route to take thru traffic to Lowes. Lux realizes we are going to Lowes. From backseat, "Are we seriously getting out tree at Lowes?"

Nate has had it, pulls car over and institutes a $1.00 fine for any complaining here on out. He is thoroughly disappointed in our children's behavior.  We are trying to raise grateful kids who think of others before themselves. Not complainers who are dissatisfied with anything that doesnt go their way. Zaine, clearly not understanding what constitutes as complaining, complains, "Can we just go now?" I snort. Lux points out that that was obviously a complaint and Zaine should be fined. Zaine adamantly declares she has no idea what she said wrong. Thus begins a detailed discussion on what counts as complaining from now on.

5:15pm we arrive at Lowes high on fingernail polish fumes. Lux asks me to hang back so we can continue discussing Nate's and my lack of understanding about her Gladiator needs and the $1.00 fine for complaining. I try to lighten things up by pointing out that the guy loading trees on cars happens to look a lot like Santa. "That's not Santa," she deadpans back to me. Zaine, on the other hand, is fascinated at the prospect of Santa loading our tree, and skips merrily ahead to march in with dad. She's excited.  Every tree is to her a "must have."

Fun times at Lowes

5:30pm tree is found, Lux and I head to van to pull it around.  Santa will be loading our tree, but he appears to be a bit too thorough.  Santa takes for ever. Not sure if he is checking to see who's naughty or nice, or just getting slow in his old age. At one point Santa cuts the rope and starts over. Santa needs to stick with his day job.

5:50pm we are home. Time for the annual "where is the tree stand?" hunt.  Stand is found on high shelf in garage.

6:15pm Im on my belly tightening tree stand screws and barking out directions to Nate, who is holding the tree. I decide I am getting too old for this sort of thing. Tree seems secure and I emerge from the pine needles to start dinner.

6:20pm Zaine is crying for help.  We find her in the living room holding the tree that has fallen on her. Tree was not secure. Zaine is uninjured but shaken and impressed with her skills for catching a falling tree. This time Nate goes under while I take direction. Tree is officially secure.

6:30pm dinner

7:30pm Happy Nate has officially left the building.  Though he valiantly tried, he has never recovered from the drama that took place earlier in the evening. Plus he seems to be getting a cold. Nate lays on couch with blanket. This will be his contribution to tree decorating and the rest of the evening.

7:40pm Christmas music is on.  Nate is lying on couch with blanket.  Lux is painting her nails (again?). Zaine, my biggest fan and right hand girl, is determined to help me get lights on the tree. Me? I am secretly plotting in my heart how to pay Nate back for bailing on me....

7:50pm Lux decides to join us. Girls begin bickering about how to hang bulbs.  First bulb is broken.

7:55pm Zaine begins doing gymnastics over couch.

8:00pm Someone realizes it is time for Survivor. Nate suddenly awakens. Music stops and tv is on. I continue decorating the tree alone to the holiday sounds of Survivor's theme music.

8:30pm I give in and join the family on the couch.  Another successful Corrona tree trimming ceremony comes to an end.

9:00pm girls head to bed. I finally relax on couch with Nate.

9:15pm Zaine is back. Her stomach hurts. She thinks she might throw up. She is crying. Im up and moving. Lux appears. Do we want to hear her 50 facts about herself she just created? Not a great time. Please go to bed, Zaine doesnt feel well. Lux is convinced once again that we like Zaine better. Why dont we want to hear her 50 facts? Nate feigns sleep.

9:30pm Zaine is in my bed with a bowl.  Lux has gone to bed angry with me.  Nate hasn't spoken since 8:30 and is still asleep? on the couch.  I am exhausted.  Christmas memories made.

What a strange and lovely thing it is to be a family.

I am a hermit crab.

We have these two hermit crabs that the girls just had to have. We got them just after school started and I think the girls loved them for about 2 1/2 days before forgetting about them entirely.  Between the cost of the crabs, the appropriate tank, the special hermit crab sand, etc, i think i spent over $40 for them. For crabs that no one pays attention to.  Except me.  Yes, I have become the designated hermit crab caretaker.  And this is my own fault.  Because I actually care more for the crabs than the rest of the family.  I have concern for their well being.  I have been completely sucked into the hermit crab world.
Part of my morning routine is to feed the cats, (the stray cats that live under our porch...the cats that continue having kittens because I keep feeding them and their kittens...the cats that i pretend are not ours but I build winter shelters for to shield them from the cold...the cats we have affectionately named Mommacat, Tinsel, Baby Boy, Cottonball, and Daddycat. Im beginning to see a pattern here with the cats and hermit crabs...), feed the kids, and then tend to the hermit crabs.  By "tend to" I mean remove the protective towels that I cover their shelter with during the cold nights to keep help keep them warm, and turn on the 40w lamp the pet store guy said they needed.  Nate is both fascinated and dumbfounded by this.  I think he wonders what he got himself into marrying me.  Well, I wonder the same thing when he goes weeks without putting the toilet paper roll on the spinner and just leaves it in odd spots around the bathroom.  I mean, you are sitting right beside the thing! Im both fascinated and dumbfounded by this. These are the things that keep a marriage interesting, my friends.

So yesterday was the day I had to change out the hermit crab sand, food, and water.  This is pretty exciting because we never see the hermit crabs move.  They never move.  Unless they are put in a new environment in which case they desperately drag those shells around searching for a new place to hide. And they were up to their usual antics, walking circles around the edge of the container searching for a way out.  I think Zaine peeked in on them once and asked "Are they still alive?" And Lux looked up from the iPad long enough to acknowledge their existence. And it was in that moment that it occurred to me, "I am a hermit crab."

Ok, Im not really a hermit crab. But I totally relate to them on a human to crab level. I am an introvert.  I, too, am cozy and comfortable in my little spot in this world until something big changes things up and I am stuck desperately clawing at the walls, dragging my big, clunky mess of baggage along behind me as I search for a way out of this new situation.  I, too, prefer to stay hidden under the safety of the plastic leaves suction cupped to the wall of my existence.  I, too, often live in fear of all that is out there in the world beyond my safety zone, and tentatively peek my tiny eyeballs cautiously out from under my shell.

But I am also like the hermit crabs (stay with me...) in that I have a great big God who is making the sun shine every morning, and tucking me in each night.  He's shaking things up when I need to stretch myself out of my shell, and He has always provided for my every need.  That great big hand in the sky that reaches down and lifts me out of my comfort zone to challenge me to move.  So I will move, even if it is with reluctance and sometimes with fear, I will move.  Because He sees beyond my 4 walls, and He does these things because He cares.

Parenting

So Nate and I had a sit down this morning to discuss our parenting strategies.  I dont know about your family but it seems every 6 months or so we have "new" children we are dealing with.  Zaine gets the better end of the deal because she's the youngest and we have dealt with similar situations before with Lux.  And although they are very different, there is always that little "oh yeah.." moment when we can recall some old methods that worked before.  Poor Lux doesnt have that luxury.  And this tween thing is killing me.  Im not kidding.  Im totally thrown for a loop.  So between Zaine being completely different from her sister, and Lux breaking new ground, Nate and I are often wondering what we got ourselves into.

Dont get me wrong.  We have two great girls.  At least in public.  No, but really, they are two great girls.  With great (BIG) personalities.  And strong opinions.  About everything. But they are great girls!  With wonderfully complicated emotions.  Rapidly changing wonderfully complicated emotions. Emotions that can cover the full spectrum from happy to mad with just one wrong word from me.  Or wrong look.  Or wrong chuckle.  Or no chuckle at all.  Basically, however I respond seems to be wrong. At least with the tween.  The little one still thinks I hung the moon.  The older blames me that it isnt full tonight.

Nate, on the other hand, still has full credibility.  He's got a ticket on the Love Boat (read with sarcasm). He's Mr. Cool.  Mr. "Im a barrel of laughs."  Mr. "I can say the same thing as mom and get a totally awesome response." It truly is fascinating. In fact, I have found that if I go to him with my requests for the kids, he can get them to do most anything.  Im so jealous, but so thankful someone is still respected around here. (cue violins for "poor mom" song.)

So because of all of this odd drama; because of all of these changing behaviors and our inexperience in dealing with them, we have found we have developed some ridiculous coping mechanisms we fall back on when we arent sure what else to do. Secretly we tease each other about this...

The Loud Clap is what Nate often resorts to when he senses a lack of control.  This can also be accompanied with a shout of names that correspond in time to the clap, increasing the number of claps.  For example "Lux and Zaine!" would be "Clap Clap Clap!" Sometimes a bug eyed look also accompanies this response.  We laughed about that one this morning.  I, however, will forever be remembered for Helicopter Arms, which were used in a time of desperation while traveling with the girls this past summer.  It was bedtime and they had to share a room and doggonit,they would not quit bickering.  I could hear them behind that door, picking at each other.  It had been a long trip without Nate, and I had had it.  I had already spoken with them several times and they just kept at it.  So I lost my mind.  Mom plain. lost. her. marbles. I dont remember exactly what was said, but I do remember my arms beginning to move in a circular motion, like propellers, beating against the end of the bed in frustration.  I remember the children staring at me, stunned, with looks of disbelief and wonder in their eyes. And I remember thinking I would not be proud of this the next morning, and I would probably be addressing their questions about my behavior shortly.  And that is exactly what happened.  And we talked about how mom's arms were flying.  And we called them "helicopter arms." And we laughed at how silly mom can be when she's frustrated. And we all went to sleep exhausted, but no longer bickering.

Parenting is hard.  When something finally gets easier, another wrench is thrown in the wheel.  And I will admit that I am at a loss half the time with how to handle things.  I am treading water, people.  I am just waiting for the whistle at the end of the day telling me I can rest for a bit.  Then the next morning it is back in the water.  But one way we are making it through is together.  We might have a mess of a day, but in the end we thank the Lord we are together.  A family.  A crazy mess of emotions facing the unknown, but getting through it together.

To Fly

My little girl is growing up.  Well, they both are...but I speak specifically of my oldest, who is 10. Going on 15.  Leaping with all her might into the next phase of life while I try to grasp at her heels and slow her down.  But she is fast.  She no longer desires to be held tight in my safety net.  She wants to fly.

There was a time when my love and care were of utmost importance to her.  She needed me.  She needed me so much more than she does these days.  I was once a star shining brightly in her world.  Her eyes would follow my every move.  Her mouth would speak to me words of adoration.  Her desire was to spend her time with me. Now her sky is filled with stars, and many burn so brightly that at times I wonder if I am still seen, if I am still as captivating to her as I was in the early years.  And truthfully, I know that I am not.  And that is hard to know.  My failures and flaws are becoming more and more evident the older she gets.  Her eyes are now often filled with question, and her words are not always as easy to hear.

I am learning to let go.  I am learning to step back and watch from the sidelines.  I am learning to let her become someone apart from me.  Different than me. I am carefully and cautiously releasing my grip.  I am trusting that the God of the universe has still got His loving hand on her.  I am choosing to do this for her sake. And for mine.  I am letting her fly.