40

"40? Oh my gosh, I am turning forty this year..."

These thoughts popped into my mind as I was approaching the girls' school today to volunteer.  I was actually thinking through what had happened on the episode of The Bachelor last night (it was the "women tell all" where they get together to discuss just how crazy it was to be "in love" with the same  guy.  But that is a WHOLE different story for a whole different post.) Anyway, I was thinking about the different girls and it for some reason hit me, all of sudden, like a ton of bricks...I am turning 40.  The girls on the show are about 25.  And I am turning 40.  I am such a mom age.  I am no longer the girl I envision in my mind when I picture myself.  I am middle aged. I will never again be "thirtysomething." I am turning 40.

When did this happen? Just a couple of years ago I was in college.  I was married not that long ago. I am really the age my mom was when I was a senior in high school? This cant be possible.  It happened so fast. 40.

I actually feel like I "get" life finally, and am more satisfied with it than I have ever been before. I am happy with who I have become and where my life is headed. But I also still feel 10 years younger than I am, (in my mind at least.) 40? Really?

So now my focus will be, what am I going to do about it? I can either spend the next year reminiscing about time wasted in years gone by, or spend it deciding who this 40 year old woman will be.  I already know a few answers to that question.  She will be more confident than the younger version of herself.  She will be more capable of handling what life throws her way.  She will care more for others (out of desire but also out of necessity) than she ever has in her lifetime. And she will press on.  Because no one likes a pouty, sour-faced 40 year old. She will hike up her almost-40-year-old britches and throw on her hipster Target brand Wellies and trudge thru the muck and mire (i.e. fear and denial)  to cross into that new decade of her existence. Because it is coming at her like a rising tsunami whether she likes it or not. 

The earth has shaken and the tide has gone out, and the big wave is rising before me and I can either run and be overtaken regardless, or stand in awe and embrace the wave as it fully devours me and moves me to a place I've never been.