Against the Grain

"I want to be scarce," she said to me with eyes brimming with tears.  And in that moment I understood her better than I ever have before. 

My daughter Lux is a beautiful mix of Nate and I.  She has my temperament, deeply emotional and extremely perceptive, combined with Nate's depth of creativity and "tortured" artist's soul.  Always striving for perfection in their work but knowing it is virtually unattainable and so they both live for and abhor the process and outcome of creating. 

It's funny, you know your child better than anyone in this world, yet sometimes they are so hard to figure out.  And such has been the case with Lux.  She is like me in so many ways that I just assume she should want to do things my way, want to love the things I love and be happy with the choices I make for her.  But early on I began to learn she marches to the beat of her own drum.  And so she strives for ways to be different.

She pushes against the mold.  Tries to break from the box.  She doesnt want to be fenced in, she wants to draw outside the lines. She still feels the pressure of her peers, but she is often tortured by the desire to not conform and be her own girl.  She hasnt developed the self confidence yet to truly go for it, but I believe she will.  And that is the struggle.

I believe most of our "conflict" stems from me trying to keep her in the box.  It's a control issue that I am not looking forward to in the teenage years. :) So I am working really hard now to create a proper give and take between us.  She is full of ideas and is a great negotiator for her "rights" and "desires" :) And rather than become overwhelmed and create a dictatorship, I am learning to still maintain control but allow some wiggle room for her need to be free.  Of course Nate is wonderful in this regard because he is so much like her as well.  He understands the need to work late to finish the project she just had to start 30 minutes before bed.  He knows well the frustration of having a brilliant idea but no means of executing it because your mom didnt buy enough scotch tape and your markers have gone dry. He has felt that feeling of creating something completely unique and then having someone copy it and make it their own.

And such was the case the other day.  She sat in her room on her bed and shared her hearts desire to be her own person.  To be different.  To be scarce. And I loved her for it.  Because to me that is one of the bravest things I'd ever heard.  In this world with so much criticism and critiquing I tend to want to blend in.  I dont like to upset the apple cart or draw unwanted attention my way.  But she is not me. She is her own individual and I need to give her room for that.  On the important issues I will always put my foot down, to be sure.  But now I understand that my desire to fit into the mold is not hers, and I will let her spread her wings and be the uniquely gifted girl God created her to be.  I will let her break the mold.  I will let her climb the fence. I will let her glorify God with own passions and desires, not my own.  And I will watch her soar.