More on Trayvon Martin

I wish I could have so eloquently stated my feelings on the subject as Pastor John Piper does in this piece. I hope you will take the time to read it and other informative discussions on the killing of Trayvon Martin. My friend Kristen Howerton posted a great list of resources and personal reactions at her blog that you might find helpful as we learn more and more about this young mans death.

A Short Discussion on Race (inspired by Trayvon)

I feel some sort of need to add to my credentials on this subject matter before I begin.  However I dont really have any.  I am a white girl born in a predominantly white town who grew up with just a few African American friends.  After college I met and married a guy who was/is a hip-hop DJ and that was my first real look into black culture, black music, and differences and similarities between our lives.  One of Nate's first music partners, a (black) guy named Mike, was and will always be one of my dearest friends.  The relationship was so honest, and Mike never shied away from conversation about anything.  I had a lot of really interesting discussions with him about life and "color." And I attribute a lot of my later friendships with African American guys and girls to that valuable time spent building our friendship. I didnt consider Mike in terms of "black" and I dont think he put much on me being "white." We were just friends.  He was like a big brother to me. I would have trusted him with my life. And that is why I was absolutely astonished the day he and Nate were rehearsing and the cops showed up. 

Mike had been listening to Nate's music in his car out front of our apartment.  He was the MC of the group so he needed some quiet to space to write.  Apparently a neighbor called the cops because of a suspicious guy parked our front, and the cops cuffed Mike and brought him to our door asking if the story he was giving (about working with us) was true.  I was completely shocked.  Mike? Suspicious? What kind of neighborhood were we living in where I guy couldnt listen to music in his car because the color of his skin was suspicious? Mike was more intelligent and well read than me--heck, he made more money than Nate and I and lived in a better neighborhood! I couldnt believe the ridiculousness of it all.

But that was only the beginning.  We traveled as a group to different spots in the country--some areas with a great mix of people, and some with all black, all white, or all Latino crowds.  It was an awesome experience to be taken out of my comfort zone and to be the minority on many occasions.  White girl with blue eyes stands out in inner city Chicago.  Or in the Bronx.  Or in certain areas of Houston, TX.  And it was awkward at times.  And I felt nervous at times.  Not so much because I was afraid of the people around me, but because I was afraid of what the people around me had experienced from white people.  And I was afraid that those experiences would be assumed upon me. I cared what they thought of me.  I wanted to be judged by my own behavior, not by the behaviors of people who happened to look like me.  I prayed that I might some how change someone's perspective of the stereotypical white girl in America.  I dont know if I did.  But I know what it feels like to want to be judged not by the color of my skin and the sins of those who have shared it, but on the content of my character, and the way I live and breathe in that skin. 


I see the posts and discussions taking place on the recent murder of Trayvon Martin and I am both encouraged and discouraged at the same time.  I am encouraged to see the great outpouring of concern and determination to have justice served in this case.  I am glad that his needless death is being talked about and the community is being forced to do something.  But I am also discouraged by some of what I read.  One post from a black writer said, "when blacks stand together whites run scared!" What does that mean? I dont see how white's running scared helps the situation at all--if anything it continues the stereotyping that lead to this horrible incident to begin with.  I am glad to see people come together, but nobody should be running scared--that is what is wrong with the whole situation that went down. Another post by a white writer discussed how he will "never look suspicious" because he is white and has therefore lived a privileged life. I happen to disagree.  As a female, if I meet any guy alone in a dark alley--black, white, brown or purple--I am going to be suspicious.  This is the world we live in.  I dont care if the guy has a hood on or not, I am turning around and walking the other way.  I am suspicious not because of the guy's skin color, but because I am a woman who doesnt know the guy approaching her.  So I am glad that we are talking--we need to talk about this--but Im not sure all that is being discussed is beneficial to the cause.

I really dont have any grand solutions.  I know that in my life, it has served me well to believe that we are all created in God's image.  I know that stereotypes exist and unfortunately we all fall into a few of them.  Im a white girl from a small town. Im married to a white guy and have white kids.  If you read "Stuff White People Like" you could probably find a lot that fits me.  But my life experiences go much deeper than that.  I am more than the color of my skin. And maybe if I try to treat others with the same understanding it will make a difference in this world.

shirking responsibility

im doing it right now.  trying with all my might to not do what I am supposed to be doing today. originally I was planning to go to the gym then run real quickly to the grocery store, be home by 11am and get going on my duties for the day. it is now 12:09 and I have a stack of bills to go through, tax stuff to prepare, and a house in desperate need of straightening.  since arriving home I have so far enjoyed a leisurely lunch of nachos followed by a delicious dessert of jelly beans (that were bought for the kids, of course.) I have checked on all of the happenings at facebook, stopped by Drudge Report, and caught up on Twitter.  At approximately 12:05 I walked into the messy kitchen and put away my lunch supplies, quick grabbed a second handful of jelly beans, then darted back to the bedroom and sat down once again in front of the computer. it is now 12:13 and I am weighing my options.  the desk is still a complete mess, I have 3 hours before I need to pick up the kids, and I am seriously considering a run to Target.  What for? I have no idea.  I just dont want to address the mess.  sometimes i dont want to put on my big girl britches.  sometimes I dont want to do anything.  these are called adult tantrums. it is now 12:20.
12:23.
12:24.
12:25.
12:26.
im heading to Target. :) 

Against the Grain

"I want to be scarce," she said to me with eyes brimming with tears.  And in that moment I understood her better than I ever have before. 

My daughter Lux is a beautiful mix of Nate and I.  She has my temperament, deeply emotional and extremely perceptive, combined with Nate's depth of creativity and "tortured" artist's soul.  Always striving for perfection in their work but knowing it is virtually unattainable and so they both live for and abhor the process and outcome of creating. 

It's funny, you know your child better than anyone in this world, yet sometimes they are so hard to figure out.  And such has been the case with Lux.  She is like me in so many ways that I just assume she should want to do things my way, want to love the things I love and be happy with the choices I make for her.  But early on I began to learn she marches to the beat of her own drum.  And so she strives for ways to be different.

She pushes against the mold.  Tries to break from the box.  She doesnt want to be fenced in, she wants to draw outside the lines. She still feels the pressure of her peers, but she is often tortured by the desire to not conform and be her own girl.  She hasnt developed the self confidence yet to truly go for it, but I believe she will.  And that is the struggle.

I believe most of our "conflict" stems from me trying to keep her in the box.  It's a control issue that I am not looking forward to in the teenage years. :) So I am working really hard now to create a proper give and take between us.  She is full of ideas and is a great negotiator for her "rights" and "desires" :) And rather than become overwhelmed and create a dictatorship, I am learning to still maintain control but allow some wiggle room for her need to be free.  Of course Nate is wonderful in this regard because he is so much like her as well.  He understands the need to work late to finish the project she just had to start 30 minutes before bed.  He knows well the frustration of having a brilliant idea but no means of executing it because your mom didnt buy enough scotch tape and your markers have gone dry. He has felt that feeling of creating something completely unique and then having someone copy it and make it their own.

And such was the case the other day.  She sat in her room on her bed and shared her hearts desire to be her own person.  To be different.  To be scarce. And I loved her for it.  Because to me that is one of the bravest things I'd ever heard.  In this world with so much criticism and critiquing I tend to want to blend in.  I dont like to upset the apple cart or draw unwanted attention my way.  But she is not me. She is her own individual and I need to give her room for that.  On the important issues I will always put my foot down, to be sure.  But now I understand that my desire to fit into the mold is not hers, and I will let her spread her wings and be the uniquely gifted girl God created her to be.  I will let her break the mold.  I will let her climb the fence. I will let her glorify God with own passions and desires, not my own.  And I will watch her soar.

40

"40? Oh my gosh, I am turning forty this year..."

These thoughts popped into my mind as I was approaching the girls' school today to volunteer.  I was actually thinking through what had happened on the episode of The Bachelor last night (it was the "women tell all" where they get together to discuss just how crazy it was to be "in love" with the same  guy.  But that is a WHOLE different story for a whole different post.) Anyway, I was thinking about the different girls and it for some reason hit me, all of sudden, like a ton of bricks...I am turning 40.  The girls on the show are about 25.  And I am turning 40.  I am such a mom age.  I am no longer the girl I envision in my mind when I picture myself.  I am middle aged. I will never again be "thirtysomething." I am turning 40.

When did this happen? Just a couple of years ago I was in college.  I was married not that long ago. I am really the age my mom was when I was a senior in high school? This cant be possible.  It happened so fast. 40.

I actually feel like I "get" life finally, and am more satisfied with it than I have ever been before. I am happy with who I have become and where my life is headed. But I also still feel 10 years younger than I am, (in my mind at least.) 40? Really?

So now my focus will be, what am I going to do about it? I can either spend the next year reminiscing about time wasted in years gone by, or spend it deciding who this 40 year old woman will be.  I already know a few answers to that question.  She will be more confident than the younger version of herself.  She will be more capable of handling what life throws her way.  She will care more for others (out of desire but also out of necessity) than she ever has in her lifetime. And she will press on.  Because no one likes a pouty, sour-faced 40 year old. She will hike up her almost-40-year-old britches and throw on her hipster Target brand Wellies and trudge thru the muck and mire (i.e. fear and denial)  to cross into that new decade of her existence. Because it is coming at her like a rising tsunami whether she likes it or not. 

The earth has shaken and the tide has gone out, and the big wave is rising before me and I can either run and be overtaken regardless, or stand in awe and embrace the wave as it fully devours me and moves me to a place I've never been. 

The Doldrums

You know, the mood where life seems extremely monotonous and a bit like Groundhogs Day (the film, not the actual day... the actual day would be no big deal...unless the groundhog saw his shadow and there were 6 more weeks of winter...then I would definitely be in a mood...but not this same mood, a different, anxiety ridden, panicked sort of mood...but this mood is more like the mood of the film...less anxious, more "desperate to get out of the monotony" sort of a mood...but I digress...)

I love my life, I really, really do.  And I say that not to convince myself because I am already thoroughly convinced.  I love my life.  I could not ask for more.  Seriously.  I am the kind of girl who is pretty much content.  Not high maintenance or needy, (at least according to my own opinion,) but pretty ok with things.  I just get so bored at times! There is so much to be done but it's all been done before.  I'm talking about the laundry and the toilets and the dishes and grocery shopping, and the regular routine of just about every day.  Ive done it all, and honestly, it's not all that.  It's pretty mundane. Don't believe the hype because seriously, as hardcore as it sounds to take everything out of the fridge, wipe it down, and put everything back in it--and not have a single person in the family notice you've cleaned it, mind you--that thing is dirty again by week's end. That high that comes from finishing a monumental task like cleaning the bathroom is gone the minute someone brushes their teeth and leaves toothpaste all over the sink again.

Don't get me wrong, I love the routine. But sometimes, just sometimes, I get really, really bored (insert massive yawn) with it. And I cant figure out how to break the monotony.  So I war inside myself until the mood passes.  And I ponder once again what might ever satisfy the doldrums.

Don't Always "Just Say No"

 A recent blog post by Jon Acuff began with this:


A friend of mine once taught me a brilliant trick for brainstorming.


She runs a team that puts on elaborate theater performances. And each season, she gathers them together to plan the next year’s shows. But do you know who she doesn’t invite to these brainstorming sessions?
The people who build the sets.
Why?
Because they can’t stop saying “no.”


When someone says, “What if we made it snow inside?” their answer is “no.”
When someone says, “What if we found a way to transform the stage into water?” their answer is “no.”
When someone says, “What if all the seats were on the stage and the audience became the performers?” their answer is “no.”


Why do they respond that way? Are they creative or talented or artistic? Of course they are, but they’re focused on executing the idea. Years of building the actual sets have made it difficult for them to step outside of the logistics and details and practicalities of making the sets.


Try as they might, they can’t suspend that part of themselves to allow a free flowing, anything goes brainstorming session.
So my friend doesn’t invite them to the early idea sessions because she knows they can’t help saying, “That will never work.”
And today, I propose that you and I struggle with that same problem.

Now you may read that and think of a number of things that it could apply to.  But all I could hear throughout the entire story was my own voice...my Mom voice...saying "no."

I am the set builder in this story.  I am the one who cannot stop saying "no." But instead of a set builder I am an experienced kid builder.  And "years of building certain systems and standards have made it difficult for me to step outside of the logistics and details and practicalities of building/raising kids."

Try as I might, I can't suspend that part of myself to allow a "free flowing, anything goes brainstorming session." I often shut down my kids' ideas for the day, or desires to build something, or hopes of making a masterpiece because just the thought of what they are dreaming about creating is so unpractical! (And it will never work... and it is not logistical...and it throws off the schedule.) 

Wow. I don't want to be a dream killer (is that dramatic enough?) I want to use my "no's" wisely.  I want to, whenever possible, be a dream encourager, (or at least say "yes" more than "no" when it comes to my kids' ideas.)  I want to pause and think a little more before answering based on my own focus for the day.  I'm going to make some changes.

39 things ~ a scattered post

I sat down to write a list of 39 things I want to do before I turn 40.  I like lists...they are a fun way of examining yourself and setting goals.  But what is funny is that I couldnt come up with 39 things I wanted to do.  My goals kept coming up kid related or money related or life related, things I can't actually "do" but rather "hope for." And this puzzled me. Why dont I have any fun little dreams I want to fulfill before the big 4-0?

This has been a common challenge for me throughout my life.  I've never been the kind of person to go for it, or have big dreams and strive for them.  I don't think I am comfortable with the idea of dreaming. I think, "Yeah, that's a great idea...I'll believe it when I see it." It's like I am too realistic to allow myself a big dream. What I can't figure out is if this is a defense mechanism or a wise way of going through life.  It saves me a lot of disappointment, but it also means I've missed out on some things I wish I'd attempted. 

I'm just not a "dream big" kinda girl.  I take it one day at a time and see what happens.  I live day to day rather than looking into the future and making big plans.  This frustrates Nate when we are planning a vacation, or Christmas is approaching, or some big event is about to take place and I am not full of anticipation and excitement.  He's thinking "Aren't you glad we are heading to the beach?" I'm thinking "There are a lot of things that will be taking place before we get there." I'm dealing with the day's activities and not interested in looking ahead to what we "hope" will be a wonderful time.  And it will be, but I am unable to set it up in my mind as some amazing time that will surpass all other times.  I don't like being disappointed, so I don't like to create big dreams then have them turn out less than what I'd imagined.  If I go in without expectations, then whatever happens I can handle. And often I do have a great time.

So back to my list...rather than 39 things I want to do before I turn 40, I am going to list 39 things I am glad I've done before turning 40.  Revisiting some of the memories, rather than setting goals I may never attain.  I think I'm comfortable with this.  Hope you enjoy.

Some of my favorite memories:

0-10 years "Im glad I..."
1. jumped on the bed--a lot
2. got to ride a bike without a helmet
3. roller skated--a lot
4. could walk to the store as kid and was safe
5. was in a school play
6. had a dog named Solo
7. had a good bunch of neighborhood kids to play with
8. lived in a great small town
9. loved gymnastics
10. started playing softball

11-20 years of age
11. transferring to Prospect Point Elementary (life changing)
12. wore glasses
13. owned my first ghetto blaster and recorded my first mixed tapes
14. danced and sang in front of the mirror a lot
15. school dances :)
16. wasnt the best, but loved sports
17. lived in California for a bit
18. made mistakes I am glad I learned from
19. lived in the mountains for 6 months
20. traveled across the country to start anew in Cincinnati

21-30 years of age
21. finally understood forgiveness
22. made some important changes in my life
23. studied dance and loved every minute of it
24. married a good man
25. visited other countries like South Africa and England
26. became a mom
27. learned I dont know it all
28. gained a new appreciation for my hometown
29. fell in love with atlanta, ga
30. began to realize life was about more than just being happy

31-39 years of age
31. learned it's ok to need help
32. found true friendship again
33. stopped trying so hard to make it right and learned to love life as it is
34. ate mayonaise and sour cream for the first times and liked them
35. finally realized I ended up with a really great husband
36. decided to live more for others than myself
37. also learned it's ok to disappoint people/let people down
38. became ok with being a 30 something woman, not a 20 something anymore
39. realized I wouldnt trade a moment if it meant not ending up where I am today.  Very thankful.

Grabbing Fistfuls of Air

Sometimes I totally fail as a parent.  Yesterday was one of those times.

The girls have been taking swimming lessons for the last few weeks and have progressed greatly.  It has been such a joy to see them working hard and learning new strokes, but it has also been exhausting.  We have had to keep such a regimented schedule on Mondays and Wednesdays just to get through the evening with all we have to do.  After a day of school we come home, have something like "dinner" to eat, Lux does her homework and Zaine reads, watches tv, or runs around for about an hour.  As soon as homework is finished the girls have to quickly get ready for swim, then we drive over to the pool and are there until 7:15pm.  We get home just before bedtime and eat once more, get school stuff ready for the next day, then head to bed.  And it was taking a toll on the girls and me.  Monday night was the last lesson of this session and after the chaos that surrounded the entire evening I think we all whispered a collective "Amen" when we arrived home and pulled in the garage.  It had been so crazy trying to get out of the house on time each night.

It is fascinating to me that no matter how badly a child wants to go somewhere they take the longest amount of time possible to actually get ready to go! I gave us 15 minutes to change and get in the car, which should be plenty of time considering we are already packed up and only putting on swim suits.  I cant tell you the number of times my children came out of their rooms not ready! One child came out with just a swimsuit--no shoes or a swim bag-- so back to her room she went. Her sister came out with school clothes still on unable to find her suit.  While Im searching for the missing suit, child #1 returns from her room with swim suit and shoes but has taken out her ponytail because it was bothering her.  I leave child # 2 searching for ANY suit that fits and redo child #1's hair.  I ask #1 to put on her jacket and stay put while I help child #2.  #2 is sitting on the floor in her skivvies, frustrated that she cant find her favorite suit.  No other suit will do.  At this point I begin to say ridiculous things like "I guess you'll have to go naked!" and "This is the last time I will help you find something because you cant seem to keep track of anything!"

Child #1 whom I left in the living room has now lost her towel and has her swim bag strewn across the floor in search of her goggles.  I repack the bag and yell for child #2 to get herself to the car, naked or not! This sends child #2 into a panic that I would actually make her go naked to swim and she begins to cry.  I spend at least 4 minutes consoling this child, who is now actually in a swimsuit but has no shoes or swim bag, with promises that I would never send her swimming (or anywhere) naked.  I send both children to the garage to get in the car, and decide to hunt for missing items myself rather than attempt to keep the children on task.  In the end we made it there with just a few minutes to spare.

My sister in law has compared this wrangling of kids to "corralling cats" or "chasing rolling marbles." I think both describe the process perfectly!  I wonder how people with 7 or 8 kids ever get out the door! But as difficult as those moments were I am actually going to miss going to swim. Sometimes the madness of it all is worth it.

Dealing with Perfectionism

"Even housework done incorrectly still blesses your family." ~Fly Lady

If you have a dream or a goal you are pursuing and in need of encouragement in just 'going for it' I hope you will take time to read this post by Jon Acuff about dealing with perfectionism.  Sometimes we want so badly to do something right that we end up not doing it at all, whether it be learning a new skill, following a dream, or simply cleaning the house.  I often get discouraged to go for things when I know it might not be seen as perfect.  Or if I know it wont remain perfect.

Take cleaning the house, for instance--within hours it is a mess again and I become frustrated with continually trying to get it right.  The same goes for teaching a Bible Study--I know there will be moments of awkward silence and nervousness on my part and sometimes it seems it would be easier to just be a participant rather than reveal the 'less than perfect' parts of me. But I was encouraged to by what Jon said in his post:

"The things you create and actually share will always out perform the things that stay stuck in your head or your desk or your laptop." Doing something is always better than doing nothing.

I Climbed a Tree

This weekend was beautiful! We spent a whole lotta time outside enjoying the weather, the girls on the trampoline, Nate keeping them busy with jumping games, and me surveying the land.  Yes, I love to check the flower beds for growth in this crazy warm, Spring-like, January weather. I love to push back the jungle of foliage that attacks us from the woods behind and beside our home.  I love to manicure the trees and bushes watching for signs of new blooms.  I love being outside *(in nice weather.)

So as we were enjoying our time outdoors this weekend I got busy breaking off old, dead branches and carting them off to the woods.  But some of those old branches were higher than I could reach, and, let's face it, my "jump and grab" isnt what it used to be. So I climbed into the tree.

I say this like it's big news because truthfully, it is! I used to do this kind of thing all of the time. I was known for my agility.  But running and jumping and climbing and cartwheeling have become a sort of thing of the past.  It doesnt feel like it used to.  I pull muscles. My neck hurts. I feel less steady. I dont want to. Im almost 40.

And there you have it.  The thought that provoked me to go for it. Yes, I am almost 40, and what am I going to do about it? Im going to climb while I still can! I stood on the rail of the deck and reached out for the closest (strongest:) limb in front of me.  And I climbed into that tree using muscles I obviously, from the feel of it, hadnt used in years. I pulled down all the broken down, useless limbs that were hindering the growth of new buds on that tree and I felt alive! Like I was shaking off the normalcy of life and going for something new! It felt good! I enjoyed the hard work of it! And Im sure the neighbors got a good laugh out of it too!

To capture the moment I found a good spot to lean back and take a photo. I wanted to be sure to remember the event and the feeling I had climbing that tree. And to remember the joy of breaking off the things hindering new growth.  I want to keep growing.

Washing dishes and other menial tasks...

The other day I stood at the kitchen sink washing dishes for the umpteenth time while my children ran and giggled around me and my husband was on the couch relaxing after a hard day at work.  No one was doing anything wrong.  No one was leaving me chores that were not already mine to do.  But I felt tired. And alone. And irritated.

I dont have the most difficult job in the world.  My days are spent problem solving, cleaning, cooking, and assisting others. I am the helpmate. The one the other members of my family go to first for answers on any number of things from belly aches to locating a flashlight, answering math problems to changing the toilet paper dispenser.  And sometimes I get discouraged and feel as though my whole life revolves around keeping other people's lives in working order.  Sometimes I feel like I am watching life from the sidelines.

It was then, on that typical night of washing dishes, that I remembered that the God I love also goes by the Name El-Roi, "The God Who Sees." And I looked out the kitchen window into the night and whispered, "Thank you, God, that right now You see me."

Observations on Girls and Women

Girls are mean.  They really are.  I am embarrassed to admit this but I am going to have to tell the story with a good opening so here goes.  I watch The Bachelor.  Not every season and Im not a die hard fan, but this time around I got caught up on the first night of action and I cannot seem to break the cycle because I am completely captivated by one of the meanest girls they have had on in years. So yes, I watch The Bachelor Monday night and then teach Bible Study Tuesday morning.  I could give you any number of excuses like, "it's really all about the human interaction--that's why I watch it," or "I fast forward all the bad parts" (which I usually do..), or "it's the only thing that's on" but they wont save me.  I have no excuse. I have been watching this season.

The other night they spent a large portion of an episode focusing on the manipulating and calculating behavior of a young woman whose identity will remain anonymous but whose name rhymes with "Fortney." As we sat watching her bully the other women with put downs and threats Nate turned to me and said, "Are girls really like that?" Without hesitation I responded, "Oh yeah. That's nothing." And sadly that's the truth.  When it comes to females competing with each other, there are some who will stop at nothing to humiliate, demean, tear down, and belittle another woman. It starts in childhood and is something we deal with the rest of our lives.  Oh, those of us who grow tired of the immature ways we dealing with each other do our best to stop the cycle, but we never fully rid ourselves of the learned reactions and behaviors we have developed toward other women.

Another observation I have made is that we as women can almost instantly read the signals of another female without the utterance of a single word.  It is not something we are born with but something learned after years of interactions with the same sex.  Over time a woman has compiled a file cabinet in her brain of "types of females" and can quickly, even upon a first impression, drop another woman into a certain folder.  And we do. Almost instinctively we immediately establish whether this person is friend or foe, trustworthy or suspicious, trying too hard or too comfortable with themselves.  Once labeled we are still fully capable of interacting with the woman, we simply draw on the skills we have decided work best with that particular type of female.  And all of this happens in a matter of seconds. This is not to say that we dont ever change our minds about people. I would guess most women spend too many minutes in a day categorizing and re-categorizing each other. I would also guess that the ones who arent doing this have already got a pretty high opinion of where they stand in regards to others and therefore categorize all other women as weak.

Why is this? And will it ever end? It's no wonder it is so difficult to make friends as adults. We are so jaded by the past and so over all the drama of relationships with other women, that unless we have a friend who has stood the test of time we are basically done trying.  Im guessing most women are dying for female friendships, wishing they had someone to share this or that with.  And either because of past hurt or thick layers of pride we just cant go deep.  We keep it on the surface. And who can blame us? Life as a woman in a world of women is not for the faint of heart. 

I want to be a part of changing that.  I want my girls to grow to be a different kind of girl.  They are already experiencing the beginnings of girl drama and I am doing everything in my power to teach them the right way to respond. Yes, their hearts will be broken.  They will be betrayed, and lied about, and put down, and talked about, but maybe, just maybe, I can teach them a better way to deal with it. Everyday I tell them that they are made in God's image.  That they and every other child are a blessing and a gift from the Lord.  I try to teach them that the girls causing trouble havent learned how to be good friends yet, and that maybe my girls can be a good example to them.  I emphasize the beauty of all sizes shapes and colors, and the positive qualities in other females--even the "girly girls"(how my girls describe the "popular/fancy" girls.) We celebrate the quirkiness of friends who are "different" and we discuss the questions they have about the kids with special needs, encouraging them to love regardless of physical/mental disabilities.  We look for the good in people, rather than focusing on the bad or making fun. I try to acknowledge the wrong that some girls are doing, but point out ways to forgive and other ways to handle the conflict.

I think if we teach our girls to how to behave lovingly and respectfully toward each other, and encourage them to be the leaders in the crowd rather than follow the clique, encourage them to take a stand when others wont, we may be able to slowly see a change in the attitudes of girls towards girls.  It will be a struggle for them to be different from the crowd, and sometimes they might fail. But I think in the end, if they can survive it, they will become amazing adult women.

The Aging Process

So I have begun to notice some changes taking place in regards to getting older.  They kinda snuck up on me this past year.  I remember prior to Christmas of 2010 I didnt notice major changes taking place in my body due to holiday eating, but that was the first year I wished I had brought some more comfortable jeans along for the trip to Nate's parents house.  Each day I felt more and more like I was stuffing myself into jeans that had no business being on my body.  And that's when I first started noticing the muffin top.  You know, the lovely little layer of chub that stuffs out of too tight jeans in the belly area? Those were some Christmas surprises I didnt celebrate.

But if I think back honestly, major changes have been taking place ever since the arrival of my children.  I now have these two deep vertical wrinkles between my eyebrows.  Apparently I have scowled enough times now to have permanently altered my appearance.  I also have tiny red dots all over my body that showed up after pregnancy.  What are these? It's as if I've been sprinkled with little red freckles.  And I caught sight of the backs of my arms in the mirror the other day and was shocked to see "mom arms" staring back at me.  What happened to the nicely defined muscle tone of my youth? Without warning my metabolism has shifted and my body has responded by holding on to empty calories like a confused home owner on an episode of Hoarders.

There are new sounds emanating from me daily.  Bending down has become a symphony of popping knees and ankles, heavy breathing, and occasional nose running for some reason.  My stomach is constantly sounding off at the least appropriate times, and it appears I have begun talking to myself.  The other day while working thru the Netflix system on the tv I was unknowingly speaking outloud.  Nate turned to me with his headphones on and asked who I was speaking to and should he be listening. Later that week I caught myself discussing a pretty sweater at Target....with myself.

On the positive side, I feel better about myself now than I ever did in my 20's or early 30's.  I feel more confident about who I am and how I look, and Im not nearly so concerned with what others think of me.  This could stem from either an acceptance of my flaws and the uniqueness of who I am, or the realization that I am old enough to have birthed the women who now appear on the front of today's magazines.  Either way, I wont be getting any younger, so I may as well put down the skinny jeans and give myself a big hug with my mom arms. And tell myself (and anyone who's listening) that it's all part of growing up.

swim lessons

The girls are taking swim lessons this season.  Both really enjoyed being a part of a summer swim team last year and have been asking and asking about it so I decided to try out the twice a week swim lessons at the indoor county pool.

When you have two daughters who are relatively close in age and similar in size and stature you run into a lot of drama when they end up doing the same activity.  The outcome depends a lot on the mood of each child and the enormity of importance of the activity for each child. For example, my 8 year old will decide she'd like to draw a picture.  After drawing it she decides to cut the picture into pieces to make it into a puzzle.  Ten minutes later my 6 year old is in her bedroom cutting up the picture she has drawn and the 8 year old realizes she's been copied.  Older child will respond 1 of 3 ways: 1: she will loudly verbally admonish younger sibling for being a copycat and stomp off to her room.  2: she will take a look at younger sibling's work, decide hers is better anyway, and continue on about her business. 3: she will actually choose to engage in the activity with younger sibling and the two will spend some quality time together.

The same is true for an activity our youngest comes up with, although more often than not she is just thrilled her big sis wants to play with her.  Say she is....cartwheeling.  Eight year old will ask if she can cartwheel too.  Youngest will either 1: be completely thrilled that her sister took an interest in her and include her immediately. 2: yell loudly, as if barking (for no apparent reason) that SHE is the one cartwheeling and it is HER turn, to which her sister responds with a couple of blinks and walking away. 3: begin to try to teach her older sister how to properly cartwheel because she is better at them and she's just trying to help. Her older sister bows up at the idea of this "kid" trying to teach her how to cartwheel and cartwheels all over the place just to bother the little one.

So, I was thrilled when it appeared the two girls would be in different classes for swim lessons, but in class at the same time.  I mean, Zaine is younger and not the swimmer her older sister is, so it made sense that I put her in the beginner class and Lux in the Level 3 class.  They were fine with it, I was fine with it.  All was fine.

At the start of the lessons they did some testing to be sure the kids were placed in classes correctly.  In Z's class they had to swim across the short side of the small pool doing "freestyle" which she had been swimming since summer, although obviously not in proper form.  She did fine.  Then they went on to backstroke...Zaine's favorite stroke.  She zoomed across the pool.  The instructor caught her up in her arms and swam her over to the Level 3 class.  Yes, Lux's class.  They felt she should be in the higher level.

I glanced up just in time to see the looks on both girls faces as Zaine caught the side of the pool right next to her sister. Z was thrilled! She was bouncing in the water with a big grin tapping her sister's shoulder saying, "Lux, look! Look I got moved up to your class!" And as if in slow motion my eyes drifted to Lux's face right next to Z.  Her pleasant expression melted into not so subtle irritation as her eyes caught mine and she gave me the "this cant be happening, Mom, do SOMETHING!" look.  She was happy for her sister, I know she was, but the idea that they would be grouped together as if equal swimmers was mortifying to her.  She kept a level head about it and swam her best for the rest of class, giving me the occasional, "this really stinks" look.


In the end Lux was moved up to the Level 4/5 class and the girls are in separate classes again.  But when I think back about their totally different reactions to being in the same class I could relate to each girl's response.  Zaine being thrilled at the chance to swim with the older kids, including her sister.  Her sense of accomplishment and of measuring up to her big sister, to whom she is often the underdog.  And Lux, always having her little sister nipping at her ankles, trying to be like her and copying her. Wanting to have some 'alone time' to focus on her favorite sport and then having Zaine tagging along...again. I started thinking about how important it is to teach teamwork within the family, but also to let kids shine in their own spotlights.  To give them something of their own to really grow in.  To encourage them in their own unique talents apart from their siblings. To teach them that getting along and loving each other is important, but it's ok to have your own goals and dreams apart from each other.

The Problem With Tooting Your Own Horn

Nate and I will have been married 15 years in May.  FIFTEEN YEARS! Years ago I wouldnt have believed I would meet someone who wanted to stick around and do this "life" thing with me for real.  Like, really get in there and stick it out through the rough spots with an individual like me.  I am the first to admit I am not always the easiest person to live with. But one moment in our history stands out to me as the big eye opener.  Not for him so much as for me.  It was one of those moments where the veil is lifted and you see into a person's true self and realize how naive you have been all along. In that moment I realized I had gotten more of a man than I had bargained for, and it was frightening and astonishing all at the same time. This is what happened...

We had been married about a 3 years (together a total of about 7) at the time.  We had just made the move to Atlanta and were settling in to our new life in the South. It was evening and we were lying in bed talking before sleep and got into a conversation about who was smarter. (Not a conversation I recommend having with your spouse at any time during your marriage because there will obviously be differing opinions, but for some reason we went there.) See, I always had just assumed that we were on the same page about this. I mean, I had been on the National Honor Society in High School, and had graduated college with honors. I seemed to have had more experience with money and paying bills and just naturally felt smarter. It wasnt a diss or a means of hurting his feelings, but more of an honest critique. I mean, he had plenty of things he was better at than me, this just happened to be one of my "go to" qualities. Surely he agreed with me?! (oh the arrogance and pride of youth...how it humbles me to think back on it!)

As I lay there awaiting his reply, I got the sense he was hesitating.  That he was considering carefully how he would present his response to me. And as he was looking thoughtfully towards the ceiling I became anxious for his answer. Finally he spoke, and this is what he said, "Actually, I am smarter than you.  I just never said anything because it seemed important to you to be the smarter one."

I was shocked. speechless. Because as my mind began to wrap itself around the words he had just spoken it occurred to me that, using his logic, and the wisdom he demonstrated in not caring and staying silent during those times I had spent tooting my own horn, he had actually proven himself to be RIGHT! He truly was smarter! All those years I had spent somehow puffing myself up about higher test scores or better grades! I hadnt even considered the fact that his wealth of wisdom came from a more honest place. A more important place. From his true self. 

I have never forgotten how I felt in that moment.  Realizing that my husband was much smarter than I had ever given him credit for, and that I had a lot to learn from him. That was also the moment I realized I had a lot to be thankful for in this man. A man who would stick with me during the bare naked ugly moments when I wanted to crawl in a hole and hide forever. He was willing to do this "life" thing with me.

That moment changed the way I look at every person, and especially how I view myself. People are a lot more than what we give them credit for...especially those we think we have already figured out. Have you had one of those eye opening moments in your marriage? Have you suddenly seen someone for more than you thought they were and been changed by it?

Life Lessons

I am by no means a parenting expert.  I have, at many times, been frustrated, desperate, and overwhelmed and resorted to making idle threats, saying ridiculous things, and even (gasp) yelling at my kids.  But somehow, in the midst of the ever unpredictable rollercoaster that is parenting, I have managed to do a few things right and have lived to see the return on the investment.  Here are the few things I seem to have gotten right:

1. Say Im sorry and ask for forgiveness. One of the best things I have ever done as a parent is go to my child and say I am sorry and ask for forgiveness.  I have done this with all kinds of mistakes, from putting a toy on the porch while cleaning and having Z find it destroyed by rain, to going overboard with discipline out of frustration and needing to go back and apologize after I have cooled down.  Some of my most rewarding moments have been seeing my kids demonstrate this same behavior when they have lost their tempers or realize they have stepped out of line.  (A funny thing about this, though, is that when the kids were younger I would be sending someone to their room for a good reason, and they would yell out their bedroom door to me, "I forgive you mom, I forgive you!" And I would yell back, "no, I dont need forgiveness--you need it! Sending you to your room isnt wrong! I forgive YOU!" Learning forgiveness can be complicated :)

2. Laugh a lot. One thing we do as a family is laugh...a lot! I think there are few things that bond a family the way having fun together does.  Laughing with each other is also a great way to build self esteem in young kids.  My girls love to say something funny and get a good laugh.  And we even try to teach them to laugh at themselves.  There is no better way to respond to messing up than to laugh it off and move on.  And rather than being over sensitive about comments classmates make, I try to offer my kids examples of how to respond in fun--and turn the criticism into a lighter moment.

 3. Talk about money.  From the beginning we have been open and honest with our kids about how money flows thru our home (like water coming out of a faucet!) We have an allowance system set up that allows them to save or spend once a month, and there is a lot of discussion about making wise decisions with what they have earned. And, aside from their own money, we discuss (in general terms) our money situations.  I think it is important for the kids to know, especially with the convenience of bank cards, that there isnt this huge stash of money we have at our disposal.  When the money is tight, we talk about it. We also talk about how much things cost, we talk about tax, we talk about the cost of owning a home, and insurance, and paying bills.  Not in a way that overwhelms or worries the girls, but so that they understand how the world works and why we dont eat out every night of the week. We want them to value money and appreciate what little they do have.

4. Be a team.  One important truth we are trying to impress upon the girls is that we, the Corrona's, are a team.  We take care of each other, look out for each other, encourage each other and help one another out.  It's not a "me against you" home environment, as much as they'd like to make it that way at times :) We are in this life together, and we are going to have a some hard times, but we will handle them a lot better together.  This is a hard one because there is a lot of bickering in childhood.  But whenever possible I am reinforcing this attitude with the kids.

5. Turn off the technology and listen to each other.  I find it so frustrating when I am with someone and they are always looking at their phone, answering texts or checking facebook and twitter. I dont want to be that way with my kids.  I want them to know they are more important the the phone in my hand or computer beside me.  Yes, of course there are times when important things come up.  But Im talking about the non urgent settings when out of boredom or curiosity I am just wasting time.  It's hard! I have to make a conscious effort to set down my phone and play the game, or watch the cartwheels, or look at the drawing.  But it is so worth it! I know what matters most, and I shouldnt be bound to the internet anyway.  Sometimes I honestly dont want to do the activity they are begging me to do but by choosing them over the machine in my hands I am telling them they matter.  That they are important.  That I love them and that I hear them.  And that they are worth my full attention.

Do you have any great lessons you've taught your children? Are you seeing the rewards of it?

Morning Routine

One of my girls is not a morning person.  Here is how a typical morning before school goes: Daughter with usually pleasant morning disposition jumps up before her alarm clock goes off and begins getting ready for school.  Soft humming is heard thru her door as she quickly dresses and then...oh my...begins making her bed (something i dont even require of my kids.)  When I pop my head in to say 'good morning' she responds kindly and then continues getting ready, distracted only by the slight mess her pajamas have made which she quickly remedies by tossing them into her clothes hamper.

Meanwhile I take a deep breath and enter the room of Daughter who thinks mornings stink.  I gently whisper 'good morning, time to get up for school' to which I receive a moan and a roll away.  I click the light on as I quickly leave the room to get myself together before the storm hits.

Moments later I hear the first rustlings of a child coming to life and moving to the carpet to begin the frustrating task of taking off warm pajamas and putting on cold clothes laid out the night before. Slight wimperings and groans begin to escalate into whines meant only to make my skin crawl and drag me back into the den of darkness.  Out of love I gather my wits about me and re-enter the room to find my darling daughter writhing on the floor in a pile of old clothes, with one pant leg on and a pajama top hung like a scarf about her neck.  I gently persuade her to let me help, which I know was her goal in sounding the whine alarm, but her anger at the morning turns on me and I receive the punishing verbal blows of frustration over not being able to get her foot thru the tiny hole of her size 6x skinny jeans.

 What follows can only be described as a wailing and gnashing of teeth.  Once dressed the task at hand is to brush hair and meet in the kitchen for breakfast. Pleasant morning daughter has since brushed hair, changed earrings, and is sitting down to eat a great breakfast while reading thru the book she is writing (no joke) and sharing funny little quips about the story thus far.  Daughter who thinks morning stinks, on the other hand, crawls down the hall with her shoes in her hands to announce that she can no longer wear them because the "fluff" inside is not fluffy anymore. Hair brushing is done with aggressive gestures meant to prove her continued opposition to the whole morning routine.  And after falling exhausted into her chair at the kitchen table she announces she will not be eating breakfast. As we approach the time we need to leave for school, she is persuaded to take a hand full of Doritos and her toothbrush to the car.

And as we make daily drive to school, and she finishes her "breakfast" and brushes her teeth, I look into the rear view mirror at my two sweet girls, who are so different yet are both gazing at the day with bright innocent eyes, and I am reminded it is all worth it.

(and that they will shortly be at school and I wont have another episode like that til after 3:30....)

January 2012

Eventually, though life may try to lull you to sleep, you have to admit there are dragons in the world. And dragons need people to slay them. ~Jon Acuff


I love my life...I have been blessed with a wonderful husband who has stuck with me thru all of my crazy shenanigans, and with two beautiful daughters who get me out of bed each morning. My life is full of love, happiness, good friends, and comfort.  And I am thankful.  I am more than aware that I am living the dream.  But I am bored. Not bored in the traditional sense of having nothing to do....but bored in the sense of "there has got to be more to life than what Im doing."  So I started looking around at the people I admire who are "doing something" and motivating others in the process. And I have been inspired.