39 things ~ a scattered post

I sat down to write a list of 39 things I want to do before I turn 40.  I like lists...they are a fun way of examining yourself and setting goals.  But what is funny is that I couldnt come up with 39 things I wanted to do.  My goals kept coming up kid related or money related or life related, things I can't actually "do" but rather "hope for." And this puzzled me. Why dont I have any fun little dreams I want to fulfill before the big 4-0?

This has been a common challenge for me throughout my life.  I've never been the kind of person to go for it, or have big dreams and strive for them.  I don't think I am comfortable with the idea of dreaming. I think, "Yeah, that's a great idea...I'll believe it when I see it." It's like I am too realistic to allow myself a big dream. What I can't figure out is if this is a defense mechanism or a wise way of going through life.  It saves me a lot of disappointment, but it also means I've missed out on some things I wish I'd attempted. 

I'm just not a "dream big" kinda girl.  I take it one day at a time and see what happens.  I live day to day rather than looking into the future and making big plans.  This frustrates Nate when we are planning a vacation, or Christmas is approaching, or some big event is about to take place and I am not full of anticipation and excitement.  He's thinking "Aren't you glad we are heading to the beach?" I'm thinking "There are a lot of things that will be taking place before we get there." I'm dealing with the day's activities and not interested in looking ahead to what we "hope" will be a wonderful time.  And it will be, but I am unable to set it up in my mind as some amazing time that will surpass all other times.  I don't like being disappointed, so I don't like to create big dreams then have them turn out less than what I'd imagined.  If I go in without expectations, then whatever happens I can handle. And often I do have a great time.

So back to my list...rather than 39 things I want to do before I turn 40, I am going to list 39 things I am glad I've done before turning 40.  Revisiting some of the memories, rather than setting goals I may never attain.  I think I'm comfortable with this.  Hope you enjoy.

Some of my favorite memories:

0-10 years "Im glad I..."
1. jumped on the bed--a lot
2. got to ride a bike without a helmet
3. roller skated--a lot
4. could walk to the store as kid and was safe
5. was in a school play
6. had a dog named Solo
7. had a good bunch of neighborhood kids to play with
8. lived in a great small town
9. loved gymnastics
10. started playing softball

11-20 years of age
11. transferring to Prospect Point Elementary (life changing)
12. wore glasses
13. owned my first ghetto blaster and recorded my first mixed tapes
14. danced and sang in front of the mirror a lot
15. school dances :)
16. wasnt the best, but loved sports
17. lived in California for a bit
18. made mistakes I am glad I learned from
19. lived in the mountains for 6 months
20. traveled across the country to start anew in Cincinnati

21-30 years of age
21. finally understood forgiveness
22. made some important changes in my life
23. studied dance and loved every minute of it
24. married a good man
25. visited other countries like South Africa and England
26. became a mom
27. learned I dont know it all
28. gained a new appreciation for my hometown
29. fell in love with atlanta, ga
30. began to realize life was about more than just being happy

31-39 years of age
31. learned it's ok to need help
32. found true friendship again
33. stopped trying so hard to make it right and learned to love life as it is
34. ate mayonaise and sour cream for the first times and liked them
35. finally realized I ended up with a really great husband
36. decided to live more for others than myself
37. also learned it's ok to disappoint people/let people down
38. became ok with being a 30 something woman, not a 20 something anymore
39. realized I wouldnt trade a moment if it meant not ending up where I am today.  Very thankful.