Girls are mean. They really are. I am embarrassed to admit this but I am going to have to tell the story with a good opening so here goes. I watch The Bachelor. Not every season and Im not a die hard fan, but this time around I got caught up on the first night of action and I cannot seem to break the cycle because I am completely captivated by one of the meanest girls they have had on in years. So yes, I watch The Bachelor Monday night and then teach Bible Study Tuesday morning. I could give you any number of excuses like, "it's really all about the human interaction--that's why I watch it," or "I fast forward all the bad parts" (which I usually do..), or "it's the only thing that's on" but they wont save me. I have no excuse. I have been watching this season.
The other night they spent a large portion of an episode focusing on the manipulating and calculating behavior of a young woman whose identity will remain anonymous but whose name rhymes with "Fortney." As we sat watching her bully the other women with put downs and threats Nate turned to me and said, "Are girls really like that?" Without hesitation I responded, "Oh yeah. That's nothing." And sadly that's the truth. When it comes to females competing with each other, there are some who will stop at nothing to humiliate, demean, tear down, and belittle another woman. It starts in childhood and is something we deal with the rest of our lives. Oh, those of us who grow tired of the immature ways we dealing with each other do our best to stop the cycle, but we never fully rid ourselves of the learned reactions and behaviors we have developed toward other women.
Another observation I have made is that we as women can almost instantly read the signals of another female without the utterance of a single word. It is not something we are born with but something learned after years of interactions with the same sex. Over time a woman has compiled a file cabinet in her brain of "types of females" and can quickly, even upon a first impression, drop another woman into a certain folder. And we do. Almost instinctively we immediately establish whether this person is friend or foe, trustworthy or suspicious, trying too hard or too comfortable with themselves. Once labeled we are still fully capable of interacting with the woman, we simply draw on the skills we have decided work best with that particular type of female. And all of this happens in a matter of seconds. This is not to say that we dont ever change our minds about people. I would guess most women spend too many minutes in a day categorizing and re-categorizing each other. I would also guess that the ones who arent doing this have already got a pretty high opinion of where they stand in regards to others and therefore categorize all other women as weak.
Why is this? And will it ever end? It's no wonder it is so difficult to make friends as adults. We are so jaded by the past and so over all the drama of relationships with other women, that unless we have a friend who has stood the test of time we are basically done trying. Im guessing most women are dying for female friendships, wishing they had someone to share this or that with. And either because of past hurt or thick layers of pride we just cant go deep. We keep it on the surface. And who can blame us? Life as a woman in a world of women is not for the faint of heart.
I want to be a part of changing that. I want my girls to grow to be a different kind of girl. They are already experiencing the beginnings of girl drama and I am doing everything in my power to teach them the right way to respond. Yes, their hearts will be broken. They will be betrayed, and lied about, and put down, and talked about, but maybe, just maybe, I can teach them a better way to deal with it. Everyday I tell them that they are made in God's image. That they and every other child are a blessing and a gift from the Lord. I try to teach them that the girls causing trouble havent learned how to be good friends yet, and that maybe my girls can be a good example to them. I emphasize the beauty of all sizes shapes and colors, and the positive qualities in other females--even the "girly girls"(how my girls describe the "popular/fancy" girls.) We celebrate the quirkiness of friends who are "different" and we discuss the questions they have about the kids with special needs, encouraging them to love regardless of physical/mental disabilities. We look for the good in people, rather than focusing on the bad or making fun. I try to acknowledge the wrong that some girls are doing, but point out ways to forgive and other ways to handle the conflict.
I think if we teach our girls to how to behave lovingly and respectfully toward each other, and encourage them to be the leaders in the crowd rather than follow the clique, encourage them to take a stand when others wont, we may be able to slowly see a change in the attitudes of girls towards girls. It will be a struggle for them to be different from the crowd, and sometimes they might fail. But I think in the end, if they can survive it, they will become amazing adult women.
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