The Dream Crusher

As I type this my youngest is hiding out in her back bedroom, having made only one appearance in the last 30 minutes, during which she marched by with head held high as her Gryffindor cloak billowed behind her. Not unnoticed was the Gryffindor sweatshirt worn beneath the cloak, warn like a black armband of solidarity mourning the loss of a well pursued dream.  On the floor of her bedroom, opened to beloved tear stained photos of Emma Watson as Hermione, is her cherished Harry Potter Behind the Scenes Hardback Collectors Edition she purchased with her own hard earned money.  Typically around here I am the Harry to her Hermione.  Right now I am more like despised Professor Snape (she is only in book 5 so his true nature has yet to be revealed to her.) I earned this most dramatic, yet sincere performance this afternoon, when I denied her the right to attend Universal Studio's Harry Potter's World with a friend.  Call me...The Dream Crusher.

A Name

This weekend I attended a wonderful Intensive Study at Grace Snellville! We learned so much about how our life stories and our giftings can come together and help us realize our full potential in God's kingdom. We spent time learning about our how our names (either given at birth, or given by others) impact our character as well. So out of curiosity I just had to do a little research.

We had chosen the names of the girls purposefully:

Lux (light) Sophia (wisdom), and Zaine (God is gracious) Olivia (peace)

but we had never really looked into our own names. After checking a few sites I narrowed down the meaning of Kendra to "knowledge." This seemed fitting, as I do love to learn, to solve, and to teach. Now not every name's definition fits the person, but it is interesting that often times it does. And of course it has nothing to do with our faith or salvation or anything else, other than being an interesting study. But I do believe that its been proven, if you call someone something long enough, they begin to make that their identity. Lux has always been the life of the party, and her faith in God is firm and she is not ashamed of it. She is also beginning to make some wise decisions when it comes to friends and life experiences. She is a "light" to our family and to others, and she is growing in wisdom. Zaine was conceived after a miscarriage and so we loved that her name would be "God is gracious." And she is the ultimate peacemaker in our family. If ever there is a disagreement she is determined to bring it to an end. She is still learning just how to best accomplish that peace, but it is an integral part of who she is. There is definitely something to our names.

After finding that Kendra means "knowledge" I decided to look into my middle name, Michelle. When I discovered the meaning I was deeply moved. Michelle is a Hebrew name that means "Who is like God?" How amazing! Because who, but God, could have taken me from my past to where I am today? Who is like God? There is none like Him. Learning this, and that it is a Hebrew name, caused me to draw even closer to Him, in a new way. It is as though I learned more deeply who I am. And when I examine my life and I see in each chapter how He was there, working it all for good, I can only say, again and again, "Who is like God?"

But it didnt stop there, you guys. Of course I had to look into the meanings of Nate's names. And it was there that I truly knew God has been with me all along on this journey. For when I researched the name Nathan, I found it meant "Gift of God." Gift of God? O.M.G.G. (oh my goodness gracious.) The Lord has given me a gift in Nathan. And as for his middle name, William? It means "protector." He is, and has always been, a gift and my protector. His protection of me is a gift from God. You guys. God has given me what I have longed for. And though I have known this and loved Nate all of these years for his goodness and faithfulness to me, learning this has made all the difference in my walk with God and my relationship with my husband. It is clear to me, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God knows me. That He loves me. That He is the greatest Father, who loves His children more than we know. And I am confident that Nate is a gift from God to me. And I will cherish this gift knowing that it is God who picked him just for me.

8.24.15

One of the hardest, yet wonderful, things about being a mother is watching your children grow up. You are going about your life fully self focused, thinking about what You want to do, and what You want to eat, then suddenly you are completely responsible for this tiny human.  This little being that is fully yours is in such desperate need of you, being unable to do a single thing but sleep without your help.  So you start peeling off the layers of independence and selfishness that have built up over the years.  Your main focus becomes keeping this child alive.  It is the single most important job you have ever had in your life, and you have no experience whatsoever.

You begin to study the habits of this child; what makes this little person happy, sad, uncomfortable, angry? You invest time, energy, mind, body, and soul into the raising of this child.  And as she grows, you grow, too.  Together you become a little team, working together to accomplish the common goal of succeeding in life!  Not a day goes by when you aren't in the trenches together. And then suddenly, she is off and running! And you are so relieved to have just a little time to catch your breath.  To have a moment of independence again.  

Then before you know it that girl is in school, and what was once 24 hours a day together has been whittled down to about 15. And there are friends, and homework, and after school activities.  And before you know it years have gone by and you are no longer the little team you once were.  That tiny human is almost as big as you now.  That little girl is mostly self sufficient.  Yes, you still share special moments.  Sometimes you get to hear about the funny thing that happened that day at school. Or you might help her work through a complicated issue involving friends.  She is growing up, and the distance between you is increasing.  As it should be.  Because the Lord knows you have prayed this child of yours will be everything He created her to be.  That she will be wise, and strong, and kind, and a light for Him in this world.  And that is exactly what she is becoming.  Her own person, so different from you.  From me.

And so last night, when she asked me to dry her hair for her, after she had showered, rather than be too busy I made the time.  Because there is so little time, these days.  And there are so few moments when she needs me lately.  I stopped what I was doing and I was fully present, there in the moment.  I brushed through her hair as she sat there, and I remembered that tiny human. I watched her long, blonde hair pull through the brush and I prayed for her life.  As the dryer buzzed on I remembered those days that I thought would never end, and my eyes were brought to tears. Because they do end. And it's hard to let go. And that is when I realized this is all still a part of the growing.  Because releasing the baton is my job as her team mate. It allows her to one day climb out of those trenches, and be that person she was created to be.

keep moving f o r w a r d.

I struggle with depression.  There.  I said it.  I have tried for years to keep it hidden because I am embarrassed by it, so I joke about "needing my meds" or I pretend to be perfectly happy. But I think it is time to share what it is like for a Christian woman to battle this, because I dont think I am alone. It has been something I have been dealing with since my teenage years, and it wasnt until I had children in my 30s that I finally got help.  I hope that in some way this will encourage others to get help, too.  I still have low points, when I get stuck inside myself and have to make every effort to carry on even though the rain cloud surrounding me gets quite heavy.  In those times it is really hard to believe the truths about God's love for me, and my family's love for me, and the need for me to be present here on earth.  Satan gets that foothold and soon I am deep in the forest of lies.  I struggle to keep my eyes on that ray of light piercing through the darkness, but it gets hard to see sometimes.

FORWARD. I have to keep moving FORWARD. I am here for a purpose.  Even if that purpose is simply hugging my children today.  They need their mother's hugs.  They need their mother.  And I am a fighter.  I do not give up.  I cannot dwell on the mistakes I make along the way.  I must dwell on the blessings I have been given.

Trusting that I am loved is the hardest truth that I struggle with.  Whether it be friends, family or God, I am never quite sure I sincerely believe it.  I want to.  I want to be loved.  I want to be good enough. But what is that?  At what point are we finally ok with God loving us....just because He is a loving God?  How do I grasp that? How do I rest in it? I believe, Lord, help me with my unbelief.

There are people with much more difficult childhoods than mine.  Yet I do believe that the abandonment I experienced, which affected how I see myself, combined with an hormonal imbalance diagnosed as PMDD, is at the root of it all.  For years it was a cycle of "what is wrong with me?" and running from life, then feeling good again, then feeling guilty, then asking "what is wrong with me?" Finally I realized I could not make myself get better.  And that it wasnt wrong to get help beyond prayer.  For some reason it made me feel like I wasnt praying hard enough or trusting God enough because I would cycle back down.  It took admitting I needed extra help to finally get me medication that has been life saving.

I have now been treating my depression for about 7 years, and they have been the best 7 years of my life.  I still struggle with self esteem and self love, but I find that if I take the focus off of myself, and keep busy serving others, I can get past the doubts much quicker.  God has given me an amazing husband, who has loved me through it all, and who checks in on me and lets me talk it out.  He has promised never to leave me or forsake me, and has been the one person in my life to keep that promise.  Because of his example I am learning to believe that the God of Heaven has an even greater love for me.  And I am learning to trust that love and faithfulness are real words that can be mine. For if a human being really can love me and care for me in spite of who I am, then how much greater are the promises from my Father in Heaven, who does not grow weary, who knows my every thought, and who has made me His forever?

The Epic

Somehow Lux convinced us to celebrate her birthday at our home with 20+ kids, a few pizzas, and some snacks.  I am still trying to figure out when, exactly, we agreed to this.  Im pretty sure we started out with a firm "you're crazy," then after some negotiating on her part we moved to "let's talk about what this would entail." The next thing I knew I was surrounded by children bigger than me, some of whom I had never seen before in my life, half drunken soda cans everywhere, pizza crusts and candy wrappers proclaiming "it's all happening!" Oh, and did I mention we somehow agreed to making this a 4 hour event? No, I didnt, because frankly, what would that say about the parents of this tween?

The Epic Event actually began Wednesday, her "real" birthday.  Because when you are a Corrona, you celebrate the actual day you were born or the rest of the partying is in vain.  It means nothing. It is a wild lie.  And Lux is so much me, but so, so much Corrona, and celebrating means something.  It means fun, and happiness, and good times, and food, and recognition and memories. And I love this. I absolutely love this about my family, because it has made every special event that much more special and that much more of an event.  And the memories--such great memories--of hilarious moments, and lovely moments, and never-to-be-recreated-moments, are the highlights of my life! It is sooooo worth it! The problem is, I am not a natural born Corrona.  Dont get me wrong, I am a meaningful and important part of the family.  But this is all learned behavior for me.  It is not an innate part of my being.  It does not come naturally to me, although I have a very full and complete understanding of what must take place.  Those born "Corrona" have "The Epic" coursing thru their veins.  It is inbred.  They know how to throw a party.

So back to Wednesday.  I had used what little, left over party decor I had to decorate the front room.  Of course, she had already decorated her own room and door the night before because, well, she is a Corrona.  And she was preparing herself in case someone, i.e. me, did not plan for the day in a manner that fit with her expectations.  She even kindly wrote me a note and placed it on my pillow saying something to the effect of "Enjoy these last few minutes of me being 10. Tomorrow I will be 11!" And I appreciated the note because it did remind me to go add a few touches to what I had done.  She awakened to much singing and dancing and carrying on, had a brownie, and was off to school.

Thursday and Friday were those days in between the actual birthday and the big party that are used for continuing the celebration.  There was dinner out, and a special movie night...look, the girl was after whatever she could get on account of "it was her birthday." So by Friday night memories had been made, the house was clean, candies and sodas were purchased, kids were excited, and Nate and I were bracing for the storm. We likened it to preparing for a hurricane.  You get your supplies, block off certain parts of the house that are most precious, allow the strongest areas to take the most beating, hunker down on all fours, and hold on. And that is what we did.

In the end, the trampoline sustained the most damage, poor thing.  And the swing was broken. Zaine had had a meltdown midway thru and retreated to her bedroom, sobbing.  I said something like, "Zaine, we just have to get thru this," and she said, "I cant. I just cant." I think there was even a dramatic hanging of the head involved.  She emerged a half hour later to follow me around and point out the ever increasing destruction of the trampoline. (Poor Zaine, while so Corrona, is so so much me...)

But Lux, that beautiful girl, that girl with such a lust for life, embraced every moment of it to the fullest. She made it all she wanted it to be, pushing as closely as she could up to the edges of what we would allow.  And as crazy and chaotic and exhausting and ridiculous as it was, it was a party to remember. I am, and I am sure will forever be, inspired by that girl.

A few things I have learned while observing Lent, week 1

1. It's not just social media that I am "addicted" to, it is the use of technology.  I am learning that being on the computer in general has become a huge time filler in my life.  I seem to naturally go to the computer when I am feeling bored or need a break.  I think I checked news outlets and weather links 4-5 times each the first few days, just for something to look up!  A week in and I am beginning to use my time more wisely.

2. I am learning (again) that it is not about me.  A wise woman shared with a group of us how observing Lent is not about the giving up for Jesus, it is about recognizing His giving it all for us so that there is no more need for sacrifice.  I am learning to adjust my thinking.  The first day in I accidentally found myself at facebook (no really, it was an accident! I was following a link and suddenly I was there!) And what might have been a "what is wrong with me?" response in the past, became a "this is why I need you, Lord.  I cannot even keep 'the law' for one day in my own strength.  Thank you."  This is why I wanted to observe this season of Lent.  To refocus and see my life thru new eyes.

3. Life gets busier the more you want it to slow down.  In the midst of this first week, the week I had hoped to spend in prayer and conversation with the Lord, life got super busy.  One child was home for 2 days sick (this would be the child who loves constant companionship), we had a birthday on Wednesday and the epic party on Saturday, and a great visit with a beloved family member thru Sunday.  There simply wasn't a bit of "extra" time.  Life was crazy.  But in the midst of it all I was able to maintain a sense of peace.  I believe this was because my thoughts stayed on God.  It was by praying throughout the day in the little moments that I maintained that focus on Him.  I think we often forget that He is in it with us.  He is doing this life with us, always there.  And all of our moments matter to Him.

Lent

For the first time since I can remember, I have decided to participate in Lent.  I actually have had very little exposure to Lent and did not know much about it except that usually in the Spring, before Easter, on some Wednesday, I would see folks walking around with an ash print on their foreheads.  Once, in Whole Foods, I stopped a couple and asked what the ash was all about.  They explained to me that it was a way of remembering that we are dust, that we come from dust and will return to dust. And that we are created beings, created out of the dust by a Most High God.  I was fascinated by their explanation and the fact that I knew so little about this yearly event.

This year I decided to learn more about the season of Lent, these 40 days before Easter.  On a quick search of the web I found this simple explanation of the event: 

Lent is the Christian season of preparation before Easter. In Western Christianity, Ash Wednesday

marks the first day, or the start of the season of Lent, which begins 40 days prior to Easter

(Sundays are not included in the count).

Lent is a time when many Christians prepare for Easter by observing a period of fasting,repentance, moderation and spiritual discipline. The purpose is to set aside time for reflection onJesus Christ - his suffering and his sacrifice, his life, death, burial and resurrection.

Not all Christian churches observe Lent. Lent is mostly observed by the Lutheran, Methodist,Presbyterian and Anglican denominations, and also byRoman Catholics. Eastern Orthodox churches observe Lent or Great Lent, during the 6 weeks or 40 days preceding Palm Sunday with fasting continuing during the Holy Week of Orthodox Easter. Lent for Eastern Orthodox churches begins on Monday (called Clean Monday) and Ash Wednesday is not observed.

The Bible does not mention the custom of Lent, however, the practice of repentance and mourning in ashes is found in 2 Samuel 13:19; Esther 4:1; Job 2:8; Daniel 9:3; and Matthew 11:21.

After reading this, and a great devotion by Ann Voskamp regarding our inability to even maintain "the Law" on our own (read full text here here), I decided I needed to participate in Lent. 

Ann wrote speaking of her failure to even remember to keep her Lenten fast:

“But Lent is teaching me. I see how depraved I am. How incapable I am in the flesh, how in bondage I am. That I can’t keep any law perfectly. Worse… at times… I don’t even want to keep the law. Lent’s revealing my depravity, my impotence. The utter death of my flesh. I can do nothing. My Lent convicts: I am a lawbreaker. ”

She then concluded: "He will have to accomplish it all. I am ashes and I am dust and there is no good in me and I am in dire need and lent has given me clear eyes to see my sin and I am the one broken under all this skin. I can feel the grain of the tree under my fingertips. He is the one going to Calvary. I love Him because His love is the only thing that can save me. This wrestle has made me know it full well. A failing lent? It is a good Lent because this Lenten Lament of my sin — it is preparing me for the Easter Joy of my Savior."

I needed to be reminded of my need for a Savior.  I needed to see the depravity of my living in the flesh.  I needed to turn my eyes back to Jesus.  Not out of a legalistic keeping of a fast, but because I want to step back, and let Him lead again.  I want to bow down, and honor the One who has saved me.  I want to experience how weak I am in the flesh to be made aware of how great a need I have for a Savior. 

I waste so much time, daily, satisfying my own desires.  I spend too much time focused on the things of earth rather than things above.  And part of that stems from too much time on social media.  I am an addict, and I am embarrassed.  I tell myself I am only going to post this one funny story, or this one important message.  And that is not where the sin begins.  It creeps in when I check back the next 100 times to see who commented, what they said, what they think.  I waste time that should be spent with my family, and with God! I spend 10xs more of my day checking social media than I do with my LORD, in His Word, hearing from Him.  How embarrassing! And how humbling!  I am ashamed!

And that is when I look to the cross, and see Him there, willingly taking my sin, my selfishness, my shame, and dying in my place.  I am no longer ashamed, but I am grateful! I am thankful! I am forever His! He is worthy of my all! 

And that is why I participate in Lent this year. To remind myself of my depravity, and His sacrifice on my behalf.  And after 40 focused days of examining that relationship, I will celebrate His setting me forever free from my sin.  I will celebrate His righteousness cleansing me from all of my unrighteousness.  I will rejoice in all He has done for me.  For us.

The most wonderful time of the year.

The following took place Tuesday, December 10th in the home of Nathan and Kendra Corrona.  It was a stunning display of holiday cheer.

4:00pm Girls are home from school.  No homework. Everybody is excited about the prospects of the evening.

4:15pm Nate and I decide it is the perfect time to get the Christmas tree (he had been out of town so we had yet to purchase one and the pickings were getting slim.)  Children jump and shout at the news. There was even a squeal or two.  It was decided we would leave in 15 minutes.

4:20pm Nate and I begin rearranging the furniture to make room for the tree.  For 5 of the 6 years we have been in this house it has gone by the front window. This seems to be the best place for it again this year and so room is being made for the tree.  Cue Zaine.

4:25pm Zaine enters room and is instantly horrified about where we are putting the tree.  We cannot put the tree there.  Tears. She doesnt want the tree there. More tears. Doesn't her opinion matter? Cue sobs. Zaine throws herself dramatically on the couch, overcome by our lack of understanding.

4:27pm Zaine is sent to her room to gain some self control and perspective.  Sobs are heard coming from her bedroom along with a pretty impressive conversation with herself on how Christmas has been ruined. In the end she successfully convinces herself she is right, the placement of the tree has brought an end to all Christmas joy.  More sobs as she realizes it is all her parents' fault, and she is doomed to live at least 11 more years in a house with adults who havent a clue about the important things in life like the demands of a 7 year old.

4:35pm Cue Lux.  She decides this is the perfect time to discuss the most important thing on her 10 year old mind, the 5th grade chorus singing at the Gladiators hockey game. Discussion ends when she reaches the same conclusion as her sister, she is doomed to live at least 8 more years in a house with adults who have no idea what it is like to be a kid. All they care about is doing things together as a family.  Oh, and these same parents like her sister better than her, and she knows it.

Nate and I begin to wonder where we went wrong..

4:45pm Zaine's return.  She is no longer sobbing. She surveys the room and declares with a deep breath that she will be opening her Christmas presents elsewhere because it is physically impossible for her to be in the same room with the tree in that spot.  She loves us and wants to be with us, but we have made our decision and she sees it is useless to continue trying to convince us otherwise.  So with that, can she please have a snack?

5:00pm a disheveled, tear stained, mess of Corronas load into the van in an attempt to salvage what is left of the evening and get the stupid tree. Nate's joy is evident in his herky jerky driving and lack of ability to find a single station playing Christmas music, though he continues to try.  Lux is getting in the spirit by painting her nails and sulking, and I am fulfilling my duties as the backseat driver, offering Nate my opinions on the best route to take thru traffic to Lowes. Lux realizes we are going to Lowes. From backseat, "Are we seriously getting out tree at Lowes?"

Nate has had it, pulls car over and institutes a $1.00 fine for any complaining here on out. He is thoroughly disappointed in our children's behavior.  We are trying to raise grateful kids who think of others before themselves. Not complainers who are dissatisfied with anything that doesnt go their way. Zaine, clearly not understanding what constitutes as complaining, complains, "Can we just go now?" I snort. Lux points out that that was obviously a complaint and Zaine should be fined. Zaine adamantly declares she has no idea what she said wrong. Thus begins a detailed discussion on what counts as complaining from now on.

5:15pm we arrive at Lowes high on fingernail polish fumes. Lux asks me to hang back so we can continue discussing Nate's and my lack of understanding about her Gladiator needs and the $1.00 fine for complaining. I try to lighten things up by pointing out that the guy loading trees on cars happens to look a lot like Santa. "That's not Santa," she deadpans back to me. Zaine, on the other hand, is fascinated at the prospect of Santa loading our tree, and skips merrily ahead to march in with dad. She's excited.  Every tree is to her a "must have."

Fun times at Lowes

5:30pm tree is found, Lux and I head to van to pull it around.  Santa will be loading our tree, but he appears to be a bit too thorough.  Santa takes for ever. Not sure if he is checking to see who's naughty or nice, or just getting slow in his old age. At one point Santa cuts the rope and starts over. Santa needs to stick with his day job.

5:50pm we are home. Time for the annual "where is the tree stand?" hunt.  Stand is found on high shelf in garage.

6:15pm Im on my belly tightening tree stand screws and barking out directions to Nate, who is holding the tree. I decide I am getting too old for this sort of thing. Tree seems secure and I emerge from the pine needles to start dinner.

6:20pm Zaine is crying for help.  We find her in the living room holding the tree that has fallen on her. Tree was not secure. Zaine is uninjured but shaken and impressed with her skills for catching a falling tree. This time Nate goes under while I take direction. Tree is officially secure.

6:30pm dinner

7:30pm Happy Nate has officially left the building.  Though he valiantly tried, he has never recovered from the drama that took place earlier in the evening. Plus he seems to be getting a cold. Nate lays on couch with blanket. This will be his contribution to tree decorating and the rest of the evening.

7:40pm Christmas music is on.  Nate is lying on couch with blanket.  Lux is painting her nails (again?). Zaine, my biggest fan and right hand girl, is determined to help me get lights on the tree. Me? I am secretly plotting in my heart how to pay Nate back for bailing on me....

7:50pm Lux decides to join us. Girls begin bickering about how to hang bulbs.  First bulb is broken.

7:55pm Zaine begins doing gymnastics over couch.

8:00pm Someone realizes it is time for Survivor. Nate suddenly awakens. Music stops and tv is on. I continue decorating the tree alone to the holiday sounds of Survivor's theme music.

8:30pm I give in and join the family on the couch.  Another successful Corrona tree trimming ceremony comes to an end.

9:00pm girls head to bed. I finally relax on couch with Nate.

9:15pm Zaine is back. Her stomach hurts. She thinks she might throw up. She is crying. Im up and moving. Lux appears. Do we want to hear her 50 facts about herself she just created? Not a great time. Please go to bed, Zaine doesnt feel well. Lux is convinced once again that we like Zaine better. Why dont we want to hear her 50 facts? Nate feigns sleep.

9:30pm Zaine is in my bed with a bowl.  Lux has gone to bed angry with me.  Nate hasn't spoken since 8:30 and is still asleep? on the couch.  I am exhausted.  Christmas memories made.

What a strange and lovely thing it is to be a family.

I am a hermit crab.

We have these two hermit crabs that the girls just had to have. We got them just after school started and I think the girls loved them for about 2 1/2 days before forgetting about them entirely.  Between the cost of the crabs, the appropriate tank, the special hermit crab sand, etc, i think i spent over $40 for them. For crabs that no one pays attention to.  Except me.  Yes, I have become the designated hermit crab caretaker.  And this is my own fault.  Because I actually care more for the crabs than the rest of the family.  I have concern for their well being.  I have been completely sucked into the hermit crab world.
Part of my morning routine is to feed the cats, (the stray cats that live under our porch...the cats that continue having kittens because I keep feeding them and their kittens...the cats that i pretend are not ours but I build winter shelters for to shield them from the cold...the cats we have affectionately named Mommacat, Tinsel, Baby Boy, Cottonball, and Daddycat. Im beginning to see a pattern here with the cats and hermit crabs...), feed the kids, and then tend to the hermit crabs.  By "tend to" I mean remove the protective towels that I cover their shelter with during the cold nights to keep help keep them warm, and turn on the 40w lamp the pet store guy said they needed.  Nate is both fascinated and dumbfounded by this.  I think he wonders what he got himself into marrying me.  Well, I wonder the same thing when he goes weeks without putting the toilet paper roll on the spinner and just leaves it in odd spots around the bathroom.  I mean, you are sitting right beside the thing! Im both fascinated and dumbfounded by this. These are the things that keep a marriage interesting, my friends.

So yesterday was the day I had to change out the hermit crab sand, food, and water.  This is pretty exciting because we never see the hermit crabs move.  They never move.  Unless they are put in a new environment in which case they desperately drag those shells around searching for a new place to hide. And they were up to their usual antics, walking circles around the edge of the container searching for a way out.  I think Zaine peeked in on them once and asked "Are they still alive?" And Lux looked up from the iPad long enough to acknowledge their existence. And it was in that moment that it occurred to me, "I am a hermit crab."

Ok, Im not really a hermit crab. But I totally relate to them on a human to crab level. I am an introvert.  I, too, am cozy and comfortable in my little spot in this world until something big changes things up and I am stuck desperately clawing at the walls, dragging my big, clunky mess of baggage along behind me as I search for a way out of this new situation.  I, too, prefer to stay hidden under the safety of the plastic leaves suction cupped to the wall of my existence.  I, too, often live in fear of all that is out there in the world beyond my safety zone, and tentatively peek my tiny eyeballs cautiously out from under my shell.

But I am also like the hermit crabs (stay with me...) in that I have a great big God who is making the sun shine every morning, and tucking me in each night.  He's shaking things up when I need to stretch myself out of my shell, and He has always provided for my every need.  That great big hand in the sky that reaches down and lifts me out of my comfort zone to challenge me to move.  So I will move, even if it is with reluctance and sometimes with fear, I will move.  Because He sees beyond my 4 walls, and He does these things because He cares.

Parenting

So Nate and I had a sit down this morning to discuss our parenting strategies.  I dont know about your family but it seems every 6 months or so we have "new" children we are dealing with.  Zaine gets the better end of the deal because she's the youngest and we have dealt with similar situations before with Lux.  And although they are very different, there is always that little "oh yeah.." moment when we can recall some old methods that worked before.  Poor Lux doesnt have that luxury.  And this tween thing is killing me.  Im not kidding.  Im totally thrown for a loop.  So between Zaine being completely different from her sister, and Lux breaking new ground, Nate and I are often wondering what we got ourselves into.

Dont get me wrong.  We have two great girls.  At least in public.  No, but really, they are two great girls.  With great (BIG) personalities.  And strong opinions.  About everything. But they are great girls!  With wonderfully complicated emotions.  Rapidly changing wonderfully complicated emotions. Emotions that can cover the full spectrum from happy to mad with just one wrong word from me.  Or wrong look.  Or wrong chuckle.  Or no chuckle at all.  Basically, however I respond seems to be wrong. At least with the tween.  The little one still thinks I hung the moon.  The older blames me that it isnt full tonight.

Nate, on the other hand, still has full credibility.  He's got a ticket on the Love Boat (read with sarcasm). He's Mr. Cool.  Mr. "Im a barrel of laughs."  Mr. "I can say the same thing as mom and get a totally awesome response." It truly is fascinating. In fact, I have found that if I go to him with my requests for the kids, he can get them to do most anything.  Im so jealous, but so thankful someone is still respected around here. (cue violins for "poor mom" song.)

So because of all of this odd drama; because of all of these changing behaviors and our inexperience in dealing with them, we have found we have developed some ridiculous coping mechanisms we fall back on when we arent sure what else to do. Secretly we tease each other about this...

The Loud Clap is what Nate often resorts to when he senses a lack of control.  This can also be accompanied with a shout of names that correspond in time to the clap, increasing the number of claps.  For example "Lux and Zaine!" would be "Clap Clap Clap!" Sometimes a bug eyed look also accompanies this response.  We laughed about that one this morning.  I, however, will forever be remembered for Helicopter Arms, which were used in a time of desperation while traveling with the girls this past summer.  It was bedtime and they had to share a room and doggonit,they would not quit bickering.  I could hear them behind that door, picking at each other.  It had been a long trip without Nate, and I had had it.  I had already spoken with them several times and they just kept at it.  So I lost my mind.  Mom plain. lost. her. marbles. I dont remember exactly what was said, but I do remember my arms beginning to move in a circular motion, like propellers, beating against the end of the bed in frustration.  I remember the children staring at me, stunned, with looks of disbelief and wonder in their eyes. And I remember thinking I would not be proud of this the next morning, and I would probably be addressing their questions about my behavior shortly.  And that is exactly what happened.  And we talked about how mom's arms were flying.  And we called them "helicopter arms." And we laughed at how silly mom can be when she's frustrated. And we all went to sleep exhausted, but no longer bickering.

Parenting is hard.  When something finally gets easier, another wrench is thrown in the wheel.  And I will admit that I am at a loss half the time with how to handle things.  I am treading water, people.  I am just waiting for the whistle at the end of the day telling me I can rest for a bit.  Then the next morning it is back in the water.  But one way we are making it through is together.  We might have a mess of a day, but in the end we thank the Lord we are together.  A family.  A crazy mess of emotions facing the unknown, but getting through it together.

To Fly

My little girl is growing up.  Well, they both are...but I speak specifically of my oldest, who is 10. Going on 15.  Leaping with all her might into the next phase of life while I try to grasp at her heels and slow her down.  But she is fast.  She no longer desires to be held tight in my safety net.  She wants to fly.

There was a time when my love and care were of utmost importance to her.  She needed me.  She needed me so much more than she does these days.  I was once a star shining brightly in her world.  Her eyes would follow my every move.  Her mouth would speak to me words of adoration.  Her desire was to spend her time with me. Now her sky is filled with stars, and many burn so brightly that at times I wonder if I am still seen, if I am still as captivating to her as I was in the early years.  And truthfully, I know that I am not.  And that is hard to know.  My failures and flaws are becoming more and more evident the older she gets.  Her eyes are now often filled with question, and her words are not always as easy to hear.

I am learning to let go.  I am learning to step back and watch from the sidelines.  I am learning to let her become someone apart from me.  Different than me. I am carefully and cautiously releasing my grip.  I am trusting that the God of the universe has still got His loving hand on her.  I am choosing to do this for her sake. And for mine.  I am letting her fly.

My Yeti

Sometimes people ask me how Nate and I ended up together.  Not in a "how did you two meet?" kinda way, but in a "what brought the two of you together? you are so....different..." sort of way. And sometimes, and I know Nate would agree, we even wonder the same thing to ourselves. We really are quite different.  I am more of a morning person, he stays up late into the night.  I am a pile maker, and cant put things away until I know there is a proper place for them (which can drive him crazy); while Nate is a "tidier" who likes to "make things disappear" by hiding them away in drawers. So we can never find them.  Nate is easy going, and mellow, and even tempered, while I could be described as "spirited" or even a bit, ahem, "emotional" (at least that's what I have heard...). I wear my heart on my sleeve, so to speak.

Nate lovingly refers to my style of driving as "barreling" while I think he is a dawdler...a "side window-looker-outer"...one who is easily distracted by things in people's yards....or other cars...or conversation...!  He prefers the basement cave, which he keeps at a crisp 15* below 0 (so cold I get a jacket before I go down to visit him) (seriously I think I saw my breath downstairs on my last visit), while I prefer the main level temperature which Nate likes to call "tropical." His car is nice and clean, emptied of all children's items and trash after each trip.  My car at last count had 3 pairs of shoes, 2 folding chairs, 4 stadium chairs, 3 tennis rackets, a bag for Goodwill, 400 barrettes/bobby pins/hair bands, 4 water cups from various restaurants, lots of crumbs, some sort of lip gloss wiped on the back door, and an old apple rolling around on the floor.

Oh, and dont even get me started on our medical differences.  I am a regular doctor visitor.  I go. Whenever needed. I take various kinds of medicine that I need to live a regular life, so this forces me to participate in routine doctor visits. Nate, on the other hand, cut his foot last summer and walked around on it for 3 months before realizing, one evening while watching tv, that there was a 1/2 inch PIECE OF GLASS poking out of the cut!! Thankfully it hadnt become infected! He is the guy who comes home bleeding and has no idea how it happened, and doesnt even bother to bandaid it.  He has the stomach of an ox.  I have the stomach of a colicky baby.

But aside from these and other obvious differences (he is much more hairy, has been compared to a Polar Bear or Yeti; I am much paler and frailer, and could be compared to, say, a tiger cub) we work. I somehow fit perfectly in that crook under his arm when he snuggles me in.  And we get each other. His aim is to have fun getting there, my aim is to get there then hopefully have fun. And this balances us. He reminds me to enjoy the small things, to live in the moment, and to cherish the quirky family that we are.  I pop the dream balloons and bring us all back to earth so we can actually get where we are going, and be somewhat respectably clothed and cared for along the way. He's the sunshine and I am the rain (which is also very necessary to keep things growing, right? :). Im the business in the front and he's the party in the back. Im the apple, he's the Twinkie.  He's the Golden Retriever and Im the German Shepherd (on task?) or maybe the nervous little Italian Greyhound with the sweater...always shivering and cold. The point is for some crazy reason I love that guy.  And for an even crazier reason, he loves me.

Something Good

If you have time this week and would like to do some investing in your marriage, check out this message by one of my favorite pastors, Greg Laurie.  In fact, check out any of his sermons!  But I especially enjoyed this one this morning.

And Again

I am going to start writing again.  I am making myself write again.  Because I want to, and I love to, and I miss it.  I have a tendency in my life to give up on things when I start to lack confidence.  I question why I am doing it and then what is the purpose of it and then tell myself various reasons no one needs to hear what I am saying.  And then slowly but surely I come up with enough excuses that I quit.  I am not proud of this behavior, and it is something that needs to change.  I have reached my 40's and realized there are plenty of things I wish I had stuck with.  Dreams I wish I'd gone for.  Goals that were never achieved.  And most of the time it is because of my own lack of confidence.

I think this realization strikes me the most when we are talking together as a family and the girls begin pointing out each of our accomplishments, or interests.  Somehow when we get to Mom, they arent sure what to say.  "Dad makes art and videos!" "Lux loves to draw and write!" "Zaine is a gymnast and always full of energy."  "And mom....mom, what do you do? Mom is a mom and does mom things! She likes to go shopping! Oh, and she washes dishes! Mom likes to sit in her pj's and watch t.v.!" Hmm. While these statements are true (I do love me some comfy clothes and a good show;), I am not sure this is the only impression I want to leave on my children.  And Im not sure it is a full and clear reflection of who I am, truly.

Yes, I am (using Superhero announcer voice):
"Mom! Locator of all missing items, and finder of all that could not be found!"
"Mom! First responder to all crises, real and imagined!"
"Mom! Keeper of all important documents, dates, and appointments!"
"Mom! Vomit cleaner upper, medicine dispenser, and toilet bowl scrubber!"
"Mom!  Personal consultant for clothes, hair, and interior design!"

But I am also Mom, who loved dance and wishes she had made more time for it as the years went by. And Mom, who secretly dreams of playing an instrument like the piano, or guitar or ukelele, like the kids do.  And Mom, who would also like to learn to speak Spanish fluently! And Mom, who likes to make others smile and even laugh with crazy stories about her quirky family.

So I am going for it, once again.  Because Jon Acuff says I should.  And because my life is not over, not yet.  And because people like Jen Hatmaker inspire me with their own crazy stories.  And because life is too short to not go for it...again.

Just a Glimpse

Our girl, Lux, has always marched to the beat of her own drum. She is an incredibly creative girl, and she is always looking for the next project, or developing with her next big idea. This can be exhausting for Nate and I as parents.  There are always paper clippings, markers, and q-tips with glue, and cut up straws and cereal boxes to be found on her floor.  She usually has glue or glitter in her hair and pen markings all over her hands and clothes.  This is a girl who is always in need of "just one more minute!" or "a piece of string about *this* long..." or " a door cut into this piece cardboard" and Nate and I are typically the wingmen to her zaney ideas.  We are the ones who can actually cut through cardboard.  We are the ones who know where to find the string.  We are the ones who can help solve the mystery of how to hang the towel from the door as to make a tent for the pretend world she has created.

There are times when this constant desire of hers to fulfill creative ideas overwhelms me.  Sometimes Nate and I have to "talk her down from the ledge", so to speak, and remind her of what is realistically possible.  But we love this girl, and are completely inspired and amazed by her fascinating mind.  It is that part of us that leaves the creative leash loose so far as no one is getting hurt, and allows her to experiment and develop and accomplish her goals.

As I stood in her room the other day I felt the need to document this little world of hers.  I know someday her interests will change, and the childlike dreamland she has made for herself will be torn down and replaces with new teenage fascinations.  And I dont want to forget this spot in time.  This time when she needed us so often to help in the process. When she was still innocent, and the creations were inspired by toys and treats and fun.  A time when she was not intimidated by what seems impossible or by what the world may think of her work.  A time of endless possibilities for a girl age 9.

A favorite painting of mine, made by Lux.

Her art entries for school along with various other drawings and art work.

little creations

Typically when she learns something new at school that inspires her she creates a piece of artwork to commemorate it. This one is in honor of Roy G. Biv and the song they learned about the color spectrum.

And this was during her class study of the Revolutionary War.

Some hanging objects inspired by a study of the solar system. And a chain link made in class.

A bag made of Dum-Dum wrappers.

And one made of duct tape.

A display inspired by her favorite iphone game, Stick Man Epic.

And one for her favorite tv show at the time, Blue Water High.

Another favorite tv show, H2O.

Fortune tellers in a variety of colors.

Doodles

Tons of books written and illustrated by Lux.

Just a few more books.

Clothing designs for dolls of all kinds.

The sign upon entering her room..

The "arcade" games inside...

The actual game she created with inspiration from a project at school.

The claw machine created for a class project.

And her New Year's Resolution written in a new font she is learning, "New Years Resolution: Fill up my whole bedroom with my drawings. Yea, I can draw that much."

Thoughts and Reflections on Being Midlife...

Tomorrow I turn 40.

It is here. No turning back.  I am literally hours from my 40th birthday. And I dont know what to do.  I am cleaning the house per usual.  I am washing dishes and paying bills and all the while in the back of my mind I am thinking:

Tomorrow I turn 40.

I am also having PMS, which is so unfortunate for everyone involved.  When my dear husband realized these two events were culminating on the same weekend he deemed them "the perfect storm." He then asked, quietly, with both love and fear in his eyes..."What should I do?"

Tomorrow I turn 40.

40. The same age my mom was when I was 19. But she was so...old. Is this how she felt? She felt like she was young and hip and full of life and surely only 29, or 33 tops? Because I am still young! I am not a "ma'am!" I am not "Mrs. Corrona!" (well, I am, but you know what I mean..) This is all so weird. I was just 30. I blinked my eyes, (or is it 'blunk' my eyes? or 'blanked' my eyes? It's already happening, improper grammar usage... another casualty of age) and had gray hairs and wrinkles and "mom arms" and, well, other stuff.

I am sitting at my computer dressed, with a towel on my head, having just showered; having just contemplated the meaning of this monumental day that is so quickly approaching.  Every minute another piece of my youthful self disappearing in the sands of time. (It seems I am becoming more dramatic by the minute, too...)

Tomorrow I turn 40.

I already know it will be just another day.  Really, nothing will change.  I will (God willing) awaken as usual, get kids off to school, do some dishes, and live another day.  But I will be 40.  F-O-R-T-Y. for-tay. fordee. no longer 39,

Tomorrow I turn 40.

Typically when summer ends and the school year begins I am excited. I am so looking forward to the time alone; time spent accomplishing tasks I have put off the last three months because they are just too difficult to tackle with the kids under foot.  And because the summer offers me such little independence, and those dog days seem to last forever, about a month in I will often resort to hiding in the bathroom to finish a good book, or pulling weeds and mowing the lawn for some "peace and quiet." I begin to wonder how I will possibly make it through the summer? How can I make it through the day?

But something happened this year during that last week before school.  I began to realize how much I would miss them.  As difficult as those summer days could be, on the night before school I found myself teary-eyed and sad to see them go.  And after they boarded the bus that next morning I found the house terribly quiet, and I was felt very alone.  It was such wonderful wake up call to the fact that one day my girls would be moving on and the days of them running through the house making a racket would soon come to an end.  And I would not be seeing them for days or weeks at a time and that would be good because they will have gone forth on their own as every child should, but it would also be terribly difficult to see them go.  And it reminded me of these words I had once read by Dr. James Dobson that meant so much before, but have suddenly left a profound impact on my life.  

Dr James Dobson, "Night Light for Parents"

(please excuse the funny way this transfered over to my blog:)

1st World Problems.

I have found that one of the most difficult things about being a mother is the lack of time alone.  And the second most difficult thing about it is getting your husband to understand that.  I know I don't do a lot of "work," and that most husbands spend hours a day fighting the good fight to bring home a paycheck to feed their families.  I know that it is a privilege to even have a partner to share parenting duties with, and a blessing to be able to stay home with my kids.  I love my kids.  I would give my life for my kids.  But I still need time alone.  Time that does not involve meeting any other person's needs.

Recently (5 minutes ago) Nate and I became frustrated with each other over this "need for time alone."  The conversation went something like this.

Me: "Sometime in the next few days can I just have some time alone? Time to go do whatever?"
Nate: "Yeah...sure.  How about tomorrow (Saturday) morning before swim lessons."
Me: "Swim lessons start at 11:30.  I'd rather take some time when there isnt a deadline on when I have to be home."
Nate: "I always have to come home too.  I dont think it is possible to not have a time to be home."
Me: "What I mean is, that feels rushed.  I'd rather do it some other time."
Nate: "You are getting ready to have 5 days a week of free time with school starting soon."
Me: "I know, but it has been a long summer without any free time.  I just want to be alone to do my own thing. Why are you getting frustrated?"
Nate: "Because I just had a hard week of work and I am frustrated that you..."


At that point I said something about it not being a good time to talk about this, and he agreed.  But Im thinking we are not alone in these conversations.  I am thinking there are a lot of husbands and wives having this conversations.  I dont have a concrete reason for my request, I just know that it is something I need. It has nothing to do with shirking my responsibilities or thinking my work is somehow more difficult or tiresome than his.  It has to do with taking care of myself so that I can continue to meet all of the other needs that are before me each day. And now I have had some time alone writing this post. And now I feel refreshed enough to go tackle the BBQ chicken dinner my family is waiting on.  And now I will be a much more pleasant wife and mother to be around. Because I had some time alone.

Something to Smile About

There has been so much sadness in the world lately I wanted to post something that might, for just a moment, offer a bit of relief from the madness.  I have always been a fan of Jerry Seinfeld's work, and Nate recently came across this new venture of his "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee." We found it thoroughly enjoyable and are looking forward to his next installment.  Let me know what you think! (ps if you cant view it here go to this link.)

a list

 

My lovely sister in law Andrea recently posted a list at her blog titled "things I miss." I love her list and hope you will read all of it's goodness over at hulaseventy.  Here are a few things I miss:


~ having family all together, often
~ the fresh air of my hometown
~ learning new things regularly
~ dance classes
~ the Walla Walla Balloon Stampede